


a House is not a Homestuck

by tardigradetheking



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternet Universe, F/F, F/M, Guardian Swap, M/M, Sporadic Updating, although even when i have an outline i end up going different places, bro striders C++ parenting, doc scratch is still fucking around and a dick somewhere on principle, if i dont update for a year im going to dump my plot outline dock here, so who nows how the story would turn out, theres only one lord english and he aint here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 22,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardigradetheking/pseuds/tardigradetheking
Summary: formally guardian swap auIf there is only one Lord English then how does Sburb playout in a world not doomed yet still different? find out in the adventures of David Lalonde, Rose Strider, Jade Egbert, and John Harley.
Relationships: Dad Egbert/Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, john egbert/karkat vantas moirallegiance
Comments: 76
Kudos: 26





	1. A Day in The Life of David Lalonde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going to be updating this sporadically. If i ever abandon it for over a year, i will dump all my planning notes as the final chapter.

The boy was flying over a purple city, it was beautiful, he felt free. “David, David” the boys mother shook him wake. “breakfast is ready sweetie” David Lalonde groaned “im up im up”  
“you seem tired did you have trouble sleeping?” asked Roxanne Lalonde  
“no no I stayed up late watching a movie with Jade and rose”  
His mother frowned “you know its important to get your sleep. It is a school day”  
The boy rolls his eyes “it’s the only time that works for all our time zones besides I’m home schooled can’t we just start later”  
“no dear I have a busy afternoon ahead, now come along I made you favorite”  
“Apple cinnamon oatmeal, hells to the yeah. Slices of heaven, except more filling because if someone tried to serve you heaven you’d be all like what is this cloud shit I can’t eat this ” David grabbed is shades, a pair of sick aviators, and hung them off is shirt. Most of the many windows in the Lalonde’s household were covered by thick curtains as an accommodation for David’s light sensitivity and his mothers hang overs.  
As David walked down the stairs to the main level. “how are your friends by the way?” asked his mother. “they are fine. Jades adapte4d well to home schooling and some of roses crows layed some eggs. She wants to get all Alfred Hitchcock on all of Texas, be all like never more y'all and like claw out someone’s eyes next time they try and cut in front of her at chipotle” he stops “mom why does the T rex have a wizard beard and hat?”  
“I thought it would be fun. It’s a Tyrannosorcerous rex”  
“its great mom”  
After breakfast Davids school day begun. They started with history, moved onto math, then art this was davids favorite subject. For lunch they picnicked in Dave’s apple grove, made mostly of apply varieties created by the two of them. Roxanne then taught David her favorite subject, mad science.  
“and that dear David is how you can use a microwave, plutonium, 17 pencils and a calculator to create fusion. This is important for when they cut your funding because your current idea is” she raises her hands and puts as much emphasis as humanly possible into airqoutes “”””””too out there”””””

“all right that was cool mom. Im going to go now, that t rex gave me some cool ideas for comics” David say  
“is it sweat bro and Jeff or Jeffery and the bro?”  
“sweat bro”  
“ha ow David I wish a was what you say in that I really do”  
“Welp got to go’ David says as he begins to abscond  
“hold it your forgetting something”  
“oh yeah” David runs back and hugs his mother  
“aww I love you to dear but that’s not what I meant.” She pulls a wooden katana out of her sylladex “I hired a personal trainer he should be arriving shortly”  
David lights up “todays the day? Awesome I finally get to fulfil my dreams, well not the flying ones, the ones where im a cool ninja street samurai. Fighting IDK imps, what do ninjas fight these days. Probably people trying to lay their peepers on them and I don’t know” the doorbell rings, mercifully saving the author from coming up with more asinine ramblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no i accidentally posted the version that mentioned john, fuck *Que hasty edits*


	2. A Rose by any other name still wants breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please forgive any tensing issues. this is mostly just to blow off steam and burn creative energy

Rose woke up at 2 PM. The house was quiet. her stomach growled like an angry beast, clawing at the caverns pit that is her stomach. Rose walked into the living room confidentially, her foot slammed down on a trip wire, she dives into the living room as three smuppets impact the wall where her head used to be. she rolls into a crouch, not the crouch of someone scared but a predatory crouch, she is ready to strike, eyes scanning the living room. Rose gives lil cal a polite nod. She spots her target, Bros wallet, lying on computer keyboard. The screen saver says “lets play a game” in bloody lettering. There is a rock on top of the wallet. Rose sees the trap, once the keys are normal state the computer will trigger another trap.  
“what will it be this time dear brother” she thinks “a smuppet avalanche? Perhaps a simple air horn? Or maybe this is a misdirect and Cal will jump me as soon as I turn my back? But no dear bro Cal is not yours to use this day he is mine” she grabs lil cal intending to use him as a puppet shield to trigger the trap. However, Bro had other plans. In roses hast to get her price she failed to notice the resistance from cal until the string goes taut. A rubber squeaky mallet swings down from the crawl space nocking Rose flat, another ceiling tile comes lose. As rose is buried in smuppets.  
Rose pulls her daggers out of her strife specibus and in a flash the fowl puppets are eviscerated. She stomps up to bros wallet and takes 50 dollars out. She hesitates and takes another 20, for her troubles. she puts on her shoes checks that her bus pass is still in her Laptop bag. “the things a 10-year-old can get with a forged signature” she muses. Rose grabs her shades at the door, the same kind of shades that Morpheus wore during the Matrix.  
As Rose Strider began her walk to the bus stop a flock of crows coalesced, circling above her. One of her Crows lands on her shoulder, stark white compared to the others jet black. “Hello Minnie, do you want breakfast?” “aak aak”  
One bus ride later she enters her destination, Chipotle. Rose was a regular, so they hardly batted an eye. “hey crow girl what will you have” one worker called. “my usual” she responded. When her food was done, she went outside. In one hand her meal, in the other a mix of chips and refried beans. She opens the container, lays it on the ground with a flourish and calls “breakfast” crows swarm. As the Raven Girl eats, she offers a small bit of meat to Minnie.  
Another bus ride later she arrives at the mall. The Crows settle in for a long wait.  
Rose walked her well beaten path through the mall, she nodded to the security guard Earl and paused in front of a shop, there was a dress in its window. She stares and after a moment scoffs. Soon Rose reaches her destination, a bench. Pulling out her laptop Rose begins her day, first she starts on an assignment for her concurrence classes. Next she edits the newest chapter of her novel, complacency of the learned. Deeming it fit for public consumption she uploads it to her website. The Crow girl hears laughter looking down at the fountain below she sees a group of friends. Rose pulls up Pesterchum  
TenticlesandTripwires [TT] began pestering MadscienceGodhead [MG]  
TT: Hello, David. how goes your artistic endeavors? I have just published the newest chapter of my E-novel.  
MG: oh sick ill have to check it out I just published the newest installment of Jeffery and the bro  
TT: Oh? I will have to look.  
TT: you're still on the DMV arch? David, I'm disappointed.  
MG: you just dont get it the dmv is supposed to be a hell scape of lines and waits got to teach people how to deal with that shit  
TTI highly doubt that you need a whole 6 months to explore the topic, or are you just out of material?  
MG: no comment although i have plenty of ideas for sweat bro and hella jeff iv just been pumping them out lately like a creativity geysier my minds getting all ol faithful up in here  
TT: My brother will be overjoyed to hear that. He finds your work entertaining.  
MG: shit that means a lot from the master of irony oh hey rose guess what my mom finally oked the sword lessons  
TT: indeed? congratulations David in a couple of decades you might very well be at my level.  
MG: hahaha fuck you rose i have to go now im in the middle of mad science shit its time sensitive  
TT: Oh, David, you can't just leave me at that. Do tell.  
MG: cloning a sabertooth tiger  
MadscienceGodhead [MG] ceased pestering TenticlesandTripwires [TT]  
TenticlesandTripwires [TT] began pestering GardenGnostic [GG]  
TT: Hello Jade. How are you?  
GG: good!!! How are you?  
TT: I am fine. How was school today?  
GG: not good D: dad picked me up early and everyone is saying i keep on falling asleep in class! But I don’t remember at all!!  
GG: now dads talking about homeschool >:B  
TT: Oh, a dreadful occurrence. I cannot help you stay in school, however, if you need assistance adapting don't hesitate to ask David and I.  
GG: thanks rose :B your so nice  
TT: What are friends for?  
TT: Jade?  
TT: Jade?  
TT: I see, sleep well my friend.  
TenticlesandTripwires [TT] ceased pestering GardenGnostic [GG]


	3. sis roof now

Rose arrived back at home at 9 PM. Her brother was playing games on the couch. Street fighter the movie the game, Rose notes, frequently regarded as one of the worst fighting games of all time. Bro, being a connoisseur of all things ironic, considers it a must have.  
“hey”  
“hey”  
“how was your day?”  
“adequate. how is business?”  
“good”  
Rose looked at the kitchen “Incredible, you actually cooked dinner.” Bro shrugs. The dinner was a simple affair, hot dogs, and broccoli with cheese. Rose vaults the couch, hot dog in mouth, bowl of broccoli in hand.  
“this is amazing” she says, “it’s so exceptionally average” Bro scoffs and hands her a controller.  
“Why brother dear? I didn't think you were capable of such underhanded machinations. Asking me to be player two, while my hands are full. Yet that won't be enough. I will simply play with my feet.” Bros only response is a rise of an eyebrow and to tuck one of his arms behind his back. The ensuing duel was as fast paced and intense as the game would allow. In the end Rose was victorious.  
“Don’t feel bad dear brother, with enough dedication you will inevitably rise to my level of prowess.”  
“Lil Cal wants a turn”  
“bet I can beat you blindfolded Cal”  
Bro using Puppet kind animated Lil Cal. Rose put a blanket over her head. The game begins. Rose fighting much more defensively, endured Cals maelstrom of blows. It looked as if Cal might win however, Cal has always been predictable when overconfident. Rose soon turned the table and got Cal into a stun lock.  
“cheap move sis” Rose turns her head, emphasizing the fact that her vision was entirely obscured by a hot pink blanket. “Face it, dear brother, I am the superior fighter.” Bro smiles; Rose realizes her mistake, to late to do anything about it.  
Before he disappears, Bro utters three simple words “sis roof now” Cal sits abandoned on the couch. He hasn’t participated in one of the Strider siblings’ bouts since he gained that scar across his chest.  
The fight was far faster and fluid then Street Fighter the Movie the Game could ever hope to be. Rose fighting aggressively and as dirty as possible. In her mind it was the only hope she had when facing a master like her Bro. She went for the eyes, threw sand she kept in her pocket, she even tried to trip him, but it was not enough. In the end Bro teleported behind her and with a simple “nothing personal kid” he put his shoe to her back.  
“Damn you, bro. one day I will ascend to the very heavens so I can knock you down. The bigger they are the harder they fall, and you cast a monumental shadow"  
Bro rolls his eyes. Rose plots what booby traps to leave around the house for him.


	4. Davids 10th birthday part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't get your hopes up for frequent uploads, 2 of these chapters i made earlier this week

“David dear? What do you want for your birthday?”  
“I want visit my friend’s mom, text chat is nice, but I have the craving for my homies, I”  
“David is this one of those you think I’m going to say no or you just feel like rambling?”  
“the second one. I have a craving for the forbidden friend fruit, except instead of being forbidden by god its forbidden by travel distance and Dadberts over protectiveness. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m some online predator or something”  
Roxanne rolls her eyes, “I’ll see what I can do”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
David couldn’t believe it, He was actually going to see his friends, in person. He was practically vibrating in his seat. It was the first time he had been in a suburb, so he was glued to the window. Staring at the identical houses David asked, “which house is Jades?” His mother sitting next to him in the taxi responded “I don’t know dear, but it will be exciting to find out”  
The taxi pulls to a stop. They where there. David runs ahead as his mother pays. He nocks on the door. There are loud footsteps, from inside the house. The door flies open “DAVID!” shouts a girl with a wild head of raven hair “it is so good to finally meet” she collapses into his arms snoring.  
“is she alright?” asked his mother  
“narcolepsy mom.” Dave then begins to holler into the house “hello Jade fell asleep, it’s the Lalondes”  
A stern looking man with a clean-shaven face, walks out of the kitchen “ah your early, I had a pie in the oven. Here let me take her, then I will help you with your bags” The man picks up Jade and lies her on the couch. “now then, introductions. Hello, I am Stan Egbert, you must be David.” Stan turns to Roxanne “and you are”  
“Roxanne, it’s a pleasure.” She extends her hand.  
“it truly is” Stan says taking her hand and kissing it.  
David sees his mother blush. He doesn’t know what to think of that other then of course “gross” he says aloud. Stan coughs “hum, yes may I get your bags. I see them on the curb” he quickly walks outside. Roxanne looks at his butt s he speed walks. David, trying desperately to ignore what ever was going on with his mother, took in his surroundings. Several Clown themes decorations, many potted plants an ern and portrait of an elderly woman. There also was a small caliber rifle in a heavy-duty glass case.  
“DAVID” suddenly shouts Jade as she launches of the couch. “What do you want to do first?”  
Her father shuffling into the room states “I would suggest a grand tour”  
“hells to the yeah. Casa de Egbert here I come” said David.  
Jade immediately beings dragging David around talking a mile a minute.  
“well then care to join me in the kitchen Roxanne?”  
“I would love to Stan”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” droned rose in a monotone voice.  
“Rose” said Bro  
“what dear brother I’m being ironic” Bro rolls his eyes. Then points to the driver, who is noticeably tense.  
“oh, I do apologize, I was simply trying to appeal to my brothers’ sensibilities”  
“we’re here get out”  
Bro and Rose packed light, lighter than they would have liked, both had left their strife decks behind, as a concession to the TSA. Bro knocked on the Door. A man opened the door. Names were once again exchanged ‘Stan’ ‘Rose’ ‘Deidrick’  
“where is David” enquired Rose.  
“He is upstairs, with my daughter. I am told you know her.” He whispered. There was a woman passed out on the couch. “they may be asleep, what with jet lag and…my daughter’s condition. Would you two like dinner”  
“yes” said Bro “sorry its late, flight delays”  
“ah, well then come along” It ended up being one of the best meals the Striders had ever had.  
Stan turns to Bro “well then I had planned on you taking the couch, but seeing as Roxanne is using it, will the office be ok for you? I have a spare sleeping bag for Rose, she can join the kids in Jades room. If it feels crowded, we could”  
“No, that will be adequate” Rose interrupts.  
“same” said Bro.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Rose was suddenly awaken by a screech of “ROSE” in her panicked and barely awake state, she flash stepped across the room and Trips over a pile of stuffed animals.  
“Jade, it is far, far too early for this” groaned Rose  
“what are you talking about its already 7:30 right David”  
David who had been taking pictures of Rose’s sprawled out form chimed “yep later if you factor jet lag”  
“I despise you both. Also, it is nice to finally meet in person.”  
When the trio entered the kitchen, they were greeted with the sight of there respective guardians. Stan was frying something on the stove, Roxanne looked practically blissful sipping coffee, and Bro was staring off into space asleep on his feet. Rose walked up to the table and poured herself a cup of coffee. Stan stated without turning around “good morning children. I hope you sleep well, and Rose coffee is not good for a growing child”  
“Talk to me when I’m unwearied and had a decent repose.” Responded Rose  
Roxanne pushes the sugar dish and cream to the willful child.  
Breakfast was grits bacon, eggs and simmered apples.  
“so what do you guys want to do today” asked David “…after Rose gets the grand tour”  
“I’ll let Rose wake up first” answers Jade, “then I was thinking we could go to the arcade at the mall.”  
Rose suddenly perks up “arcade?”  
“looks like Rose is up” remarks Bro  
“TOUR TIME!” shouts Jade and drags Rose off, breakfast forgotten. David eats their apples, while waiting for them to get to the green house. An addition Stan added to the house himself. It was connected to the kitchen.


	5. Davids 10th birthday part 2 electric bogaloo

“alright, lets go to the Arcade!” shouts Jade.  
“Who will be driving us” inquired Rose  
“its only a few blocks we can walk”  
“what, Jade its Frigid out.”  
“oh, common Rose it’s not that bad.”  
“there’s snow outside David”  
“let me see your coat” requests David. Rose tosses it. “a there’s your problem you’re only wearing a t shirt underneath.”  
“its an expensive coat, I wouldn’t think I would need one”  
Jade states that “layering is very important” both Rose and Bro, there adult chaperone, go to dig out there sweet shirts.  
“alright Jade lead the way!” shouts David, after a quick hug to his mother.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“wow so this is a mall” said David with awe  
“Wait you have never been to a mall before.” Asked Rose aghast.  
“I live in the middle of the woods remember. The nearest town is something out of a Mary Daheim novel, real twin peaks shit, small town, main streets, they even have a lighthouse. Thankfully less murder mystery though”  
“that sounds nice”  
“it is plenty of space for my orchard. Speaking of” David pulls out some apples from his syladex “stored fresh” he also hands Jade a baggy of seeds. Bro takes a bite of his apple “pretty good. You grow these?”  
“and breed” brags David  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………   
the arcade was the noisiest, brightest place David had ever seen. He was thankful for his shades. He loved it.  
“David I absolutely need to teach you the finer points of fighting games right now” Rose said while grabbing him by the arm. Bro had already started on DDR with Jade. The trio and Bro played every Game the arcade had to offer. The had a rapid-fire air hockey tournament near the end of there day Bro dominated but Jade put up a surprising show.  
“so what do you guys want to do next?” inquired David  
Jade pipes in “I know we could” she suddenly starts falling over backwards but suddenly vanishes in a burst of green light  
A breath  
“AAAAAHHHHHHH” hollers David hands on his head  
“AAAAAHHHHHHH” screamed Rose pointing  
“AAAAAAHHHHHH” shouts bro hands still sticking out to catch Jade  
“what the fuck what the fuck” repeats Rose while David frantically pulls out a Geiger counter, a magnifying glass and some other unidentifiable scientific device.  
Bro is frantically dialing the house  
“Umm Hi mr. Egbert theres no easy way to say this your daughter vanished”  
….  
“no I mean like right infront of our eyes”  
….  
“yes green light, how did you?”  
…  
“okaaayyy?”  
He hangs up. “apparently this is normal, and Stan will explain at the house”  
“How in the hell is that normal!?” David screams  
Bro shrugs “hell if I know.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
As the shell shocked trio reached the Egbert residence the door opens and Jade runs out.  
“I am sooo sorry I forgot to tell you about Bec. With all that was going on it just slipped my mind”  
Rose interrupts with an inquiry “Jade, you have yet to explain what just occurred. who or what is Bec?”  
“oh umm it will be easiest to show you “Bec come here boy” jade whistles and slaps her knees. Suddenly in another flash of green the whited-out silhouette of a dog appears. It in seeming indifference to its own impossible nature begins to lick Jades face.  
“ugg Bec down boy. This is my dog Bec”  
David is the first to speak “Jade this still doesn’t explain anything”  
“he’s just like this he’s harmless really. Here let him sniff your hand and you can pet him”  
While rose approaches David pulls out his scientific equipement. Bec vanishes  
“oh I should have mentioned he doesn’t like his picture taken or anything like that”  
At this point Bro speaks “the fuck?”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
After three hours of David and Roxanne lalonde trying to gather scientific data on the impossible dog, Bec vanished all their scientific equipment. Roxanne hopes its back home.  
“I need a drink” said Roxanne  
“that’s understandable” says David  
“do you want to play fetch with him?” asks Jade as she pulls out a bow from her strife deck.  
“sure why not” David says with a defeated sigh.


	6. B day part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad its over i had such bad writers block

“so, if we are playing fetch why the bow” asked David  
“oh, Bec likes a challenge” Jade says as she draws her bow and points its skyward.  
She releases “FETCH!” two flashes of green. The arrow is back in Jades hand.  
“I used to use a rifle but with the narcolepsy Dad didn’t think it would be safe.  
“damn, hey maybe I could use the gun”  
“do you know gun safety?”  
“ummm, point and shoot away from people?”  
“then no. your turn”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“kids cake ready” called Roxanne.  
The gang sits around a table in the kitchen. Jade sitting on at the ready with the piano, which Stan had brought into the kitchen. Songs where sung, candles extinguished and lastly the gifts.  
“here you go David” says Jade  
“wow Jade a violin? I don’t know how to play.”  
“oh, here’s the second part” Jade said as she hands him a book, ‘playing the violin for assholes’  
Rose walks up to him. “Your present has been mailed to your house David. It would have been impossible to get through the airport.”  
Jade pipes up “I bet; swords are hard to transport”  
Rose looks at Jade “who said anything about a sword?”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Bro was glad to be home. Rose getting to see her friends was tight, but nothing beats home sweet home.  
” Bro, have you seen Minnie?”


	7. a crisis of Brodom

Bro was starting to get concerned. First Rose was gone all day looking for her bird, so far so normal. Then she demanded Bro help look so far so inconvenienced. Bro however didn’t start getting concerned until he saw the inside of Roses room.  
knock knock knock  
Rose opens the door “yes, dear brother?”  
“hey made dinnnnnnn” Bro pauses “Rose what the fucks with your walls?”  
Rose glances into her room “They form the border of my humble abode."  
Bro frowns, Rose in no way explained why she had scrawled CaWccAAwcawcawcawcaWcacaCAW throw out her room “is this a prank”  
Rose narrows her eyes “Rest assured dear Brother, if there is pranking going on in this apartment, it will not be my doing."  
“Rose if this is about Minnie” Rose slams her door.  
that was normal behavior for her.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“so, there you have it doc, any ideas?”  
“well Mr. Strider what is her home life normally like?”  
“it’s just the two of us. I try to be hands off, I’m more of a Bro then a daddy. You feel me?”  
Bro looks at the psychiatrist. She’s a stern looking lady, yet her expression is soft. “what happened to your parents if you mind me asking? This could be linked.  
“oh, I don’t have parents and I found her in a crater. On a asteroid, pretty cool all in all.”  
She writes something. “Mr. Strider I would prefer you save the homur for some other time. Now tell me more about her home life.”  
“I make sure she keeps up in school and there’s food on the table don’t get me wrong. I work from home, so she knows where to find me”  
“But…” says Doctor Sharen.  
“she’s not home often, I let her go out on her own.”  
Her eyes narrow  
“its not like she has a bus pass. There’s a park a few blocks from the apartment and a library. I make sure she can take care of herself. We spar nightly.”  
Her eyes narrow further  
“she wants to do it. she’s a competitive little shit”  
Her eyes are slits  
“I mean that as fondly as humanly possible”  
Her eyes relax…a little. “what sort of interactions do you have besides sparing”  
“we play video games and pranks”  
“what kind of pranks”  
“booby traps mostly. You should see some of the ones she makes. like a mouse trap mixed with a rob Goldberg”  
“Mr. Strider. It sounds like you care about your little sister.”  
“thank you I”  
“BUT you need to be less of her Bro and more her big brother. Create more stability. Involve her more in her life. Make sure she feels safe in her own home. And that means no more booby traps.”  
“ok”  
“maybe you could involve her in your work? What is it exactly that you do?”  
“I uhhh make puppet porn”  
“Mr. Strider please be serious.”  
Dr. Sharen looks at Bro. he is blushing and looking away.  
“you said you worked from home”  
“yeah I uh had been looking into getting an office”  
“that would be…” she sighs “for the best”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Rose woke up something was wrong. It wasn’t quiet. She could her shuffling, hushed talking and the sound of something scrapping metal. Rose is immediately on guard. She slowly opens her door, no trip wires. She slowly peaks into the hall, no tripwires. She slowly enters the living room, STILL NO TRIP WIRES. She sees Bro in the kitchen on the phone, cooking something.  
“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”  
Bro looks up. His phone falls from where he had it pinned. “shit” he kicks it back onto his shoulder.  
“Hey, Rose Mr. E was just helping me make pancakes” something gnaws at the back of Roses minds.  
“Bro where are the smuppets?”  
“gone, got an office. Hey Rose, that book your writing?”  
“what about it?”  
“Do you want to make a movie; we could use one of my work cameras and some none work puppets”  
the fire alarm goes off  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
[GG]: and then what happened  
[TT]: I took the offer, after informing him I would have to do some plot revising. Complacency of the Learned the Web novel does suffer from the hazards of an ongoing plot.  
[GG]: that’s wonderful!!!  
[TT]: No, it's not Jade. Some abhorrent eldritch being has replaced my brother. He has gone entirely counter to my psychological profile of my brother.  
[GG]: your being ridiculous! Maybe he finally grew up!


	8. JOHN YOUR PATHETIC CHILDHOOD ENDS NOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so if any of you were wondering about john

Johns laptop chimed interrupting his movie. He taped out to find the offending tab.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]: JOHN YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A CHILDHOOD ENDS NOW  
Three thoughts flashed through Johns head  
One: when did I get a pesturechum?  
Two: am I being threatened?  
Three:holy shit someone to talk to. Don’t mess this up  
[TG]: uh hi who is this?  
[CG]: REALLY THAT’S THE BEST YOU HAVE? AFTER ALL THIS BUILD UP YOUR GOING WITH “UH HI”?  
[TG]: wait no I’m sorry.  
[CG]: ITS OK JOHN IM NOT MAD AT YOU.  
[TG]: so… did you just send me a death threat?  
[CG]: WHAT NO IM SAYING YOUR PATHETIC CHILDHOOD ENDS NOW. IM YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND.  
[TG]: wow wait for real? 😊  
[TG]: what did you mean by all that build up by the way? This is the first time we met.  
[CG]: FOR YOU MAYBE. FOR SOME MORONIC REASON PAST ME THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TROLL YOU IN REVERSE CRONOLOGICAL ORDER. SO NEXT TIME WE MEET I WON’T REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.  
[TG]: that’s kind of stupid  
[CG]: YEAH LIKE I SAID PAST ME IS AN IDIOT  
[TG]: that doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship that you have with yourself  
[CG]: JOHN YOU’RE A GOG DAMN BLESSING YOU KNOW THAT SHIT LIKE THIS I APPRECIATE, FROM THE BOTTEM OF MY BLOOD PUSHER.  
[CG]: ANYWAY, WHERE ARE ON THE LAST THREE EPISODES OF F.R.I.E.N.D.S


	9. wirlwind winter romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when will i escape Davids 10th birthday

Stan was in the kitchen cooking dinner, not an abnormal thing for him to be doing given the time of day. However, this was not an ordinary day. His beloved daughter’s friends where coming to visit. The house had been cleaned, the good place mats set out, nothing but the freshest ingredients where being used, he was ready for anything. Almost anything, but he didn’t know that yet.  
Knock knock knock…thumb thumb thumb woosh “DAVID!”  
Ah that must be them. They were early.  
“hello, Jade fell asleep, it’s the Lalondes.” Stan turned down the stove so he could assist with Jades current state.  
He entered his living room and saw his daughter slumped over a pale boy with white hair and shades.  
“ah your early, I had a pie in the oven. Here let me take her, then I will help you with your bags” Stan stated as he plucked Jade up and gently laid her out on the couch. “now then, introductions. Hello, I am Stan Egbert, you must be David.” Stan turns to the woman with him. she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Long legs, half lidded eyes, well managed blond hair, and a slight smile. He knows her name, he knows he knows her name, his daughter told him it, yet in order to remember it his mind would need to be functioning “and you are?”  
“Roxanne, it’s a pleasure.” She extends her hand. He does the only thing he can think of, he kisses it. Stan blames all the cheesy late-night television he watches.  
“it truly is” Stan states with barely contained panic. He sees her blush, could it be?  
“gross” states David. The single word acts as a slap to the face snapping him out of his trance. He remembers where he is, he remembers his pie in the oven. He will have to quickly attend to his duties as a good host. With what passes as a mumble in the world of Stan Egbert he states something about getting their bags.  
They for only four bags they are surprisingly heavy, no matter. In on trip and nary a moment they are inside. Just in time for his daughter to wake up “DAVID! What do you want to do first?”  
Stan in a rare moment of brashness sees an opportunity and takes it “I would suggest a grand tour”  
And they are off, Stan chuckles ““well then care to join me in the kitchen Roxanne?”  
“I would love to Stan”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“my its rare to see a man so handy in the kitchen” states Roxanne in a playful voice  
“yes, my mother always used to say ‘there are few joys greater in life then good food…and few things that make problems easier to solve”  
“oh, was she a cook?”  
“more of a baker, but we can’t all live of pastries and sandwiches, can we?”  
She chuckles “no I suppose we can’t”  
“where you close to your parents?”  
“in a manner of speaking. The nuns always used to say I was a child of the stars and well now I have an observatory”  
“oh, so you’re that kind of scientist”  
“my goodness stan you assume much. I’m a mad scientist, not some mundane astrophysicist” her words made her sound insulted, yet the laugh in the middle seemed to imply delight.  
“oh and what does that entail exactly?”  
“ray guns, cloning cats, that sort of thing. How bout you what’s your business?”  
“I’m an accountant, not as interesting but quite important in my opinion.”  
Stan samples the soup he has been cooking, he frowns.  
“is something the matter?” asked Roxanne  
“it’s missing something”  
Roxanne gets up to try some “tastes delicious already…maybe some salt”  
“ah yes excellent. I find the simples solution is often overlooked. Now then shale we call the kids down for dinner?”  
“we could or we could bring some food up and have the evening to ourselves” Roxanne says with a smile.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“uuggggg” Roxanne wakes up with a grown. She really over did it last night. She hopes she didn’t do anything too embarrassing.  
Taking in her surroundings Roxanne noticed that she had one of those travel pillows wrapped around her neck and was tucked into a thick quilt. She got up and headed to the kitchen, there was probably some wine left.  
“yo” a strange voice said. She jumped. There was a man, in the most ridiculous shades she had ever seen. E looked a little like David come to think of it.  
“Hi? And your?”  
He extends a hand limply “deitrick”  
She takes it “Roxanne”  
“good morning” whispers Stan “I have taken the liberty of making a hangover cure for you.”  
It looked like a coffee “is this coffee?”  
“with ginger and brown sugar”  
She sat down and began to drink.  
A thump could be heard from up stares.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..  
Stan drove everyone to the airport. He chickened out and offered everyone his number instead of just Roxanne.


	10. johns 3 year troll session part 1

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.  
[TG]: I’m sorry what did I do?  
[CG]: YOU’VE BEEN SITTING ON YOUR ASS ALL WEEK. GO OUT AND TAKE A FUCKING WALK. MAKE LIKE A RETARDED PURBEAST AND MEANDER ABOUT.  
[TG]: ok.  
[CG]: JOHN I CAN SEE YOU WITH MY VISION NODES. GET! THE! FUCK! UP! YOU GOG DAMN TURD.  
[TG]: No you can’t, and I am walking.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] send a jpeg  
[TG]: Yo what the fuck! Are you stalking me!  
[CG]: LOOK JOHN, I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM OUTSIDE YOUR UNIVERSE. YES I CAN TAKE SCREEN SHOTS OF EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE. NO GO FOR A WALK. YOU ARE MAKING IT VERY HARD TO CARE ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.  
[TG]: why are you so invested in this?  
[CG]: BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU! THIS WILL HELP WITH YOUR DEPRESSION TRUST ME.  
TheghostbustingGroupie [TG] ceased pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
It had been a month and a half since that last conversation with CG. At first, he struggled going over the hills, and navigating the part of the island that is rocky or full of snagging plants, so he borrowed one of his grandpa’s canes. It was really hard, but John didn’t want to make his only friend mad. However, he got really into this walking thing. John lost weight. He smiled more, still not often but it was an improvement. Suddenly his pdf buzzed.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]: HEY JOHN. WANT TO WATCH SOME FRIENDS IN A LITTLE BIT?  
[TG]: hell, yeah man. What episode are we on?  
[CG]: THE ONE WITH THE COOKING CLASS  
[TG]: nice, hey CG thanks for recommending the walking thing. you where right, it did help. See you when I get back to the house  
[CG]: JOHN THAT THING IS NOT A HOUSE OR A HIVE OR ANYTHING ELSE. IT’S A GOG DAMN SPIRE.  
[TG]:… your gog damn right.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
TwinArmageddons [TA] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[TA]: 2o you’re the a22 hat that Karkat ii2 all ob2e22ed with, your pathetic.  
[TG]: hi?  
[TA]: “hIi” what a way with word2  
[TG]: is there something I did to you?  
[TA]: yeah you where born  
TheghostbustingGroupie [TG] blocked TwinArmageddons [TA]  
TheghostbustingGroupie [TG] unblocked TwinArmageddons [TA]  
[TA]: ahahah I made you account you hornless a22, you couldnt block me iif you triied  
[TG]: oh well thanks for that I guess  
[TA]: ii don’t want your empty platiitude2, karkat bulliied me iintwo iit. your not worth my tiime, ii hate you iin the mo2t platonic way possible.  
TwinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
TheghostbustingGroupie [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
[TG]: hey man want to watch friends?  
[CG]: JOHN I CARE ABOUT YOU DEEPLY BUT WE HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT WATCH FRIENDS LETS WHAT SOMETHING, ANYTHING ELSE.  
[TG]: want to watch Conair?  
[CG]: SEEN IT.  
[TG]: how about face off?  
[CG]: JOHN IV WATCHED ALL YOUR NICOLUS CAGE MOVIES ALREADY.  
[TG]: damn. Um how  
John picks up a random dvd of the floor  
[TG]: about desperately seeking Susan?  
[CG]: THAT’S A NEW ONE. WHATS THE CODE ON THE BACK OF THE CAPTCHACARD SAY  
[TG]: 4fo0g69z  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
[TG]: so what do you think?  
[CG]: IT WAS GOOD. IM DISAPPOINTED THAT THEY DIDN’T GO WITH A BLACK ROM BETWEEN THE HUSBND AND REAL SUSAN.  
[TG]: whats a black rom?  
[CG]: ……NO, I REFUSE. IM AM NOT THE ASSHOLE WHO TAUGHT YOU ABOUT QUADRENTS.  
[TG]: what’s a quadrant and how many are there?  
[CG]: JOHN QUAD MEANS 4.  
[TG]: it does?  
[TG]: so, what is a quadrant?  
[CG]: IM TO BUSY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I CAN BLAME PAST ME OR FUTURE ME FOR THIS.  
[CG]: PAST ME. IF THAT MORON HADNT THOUGHT OF TROLLING YOU IN REVERSE CRONOLOGICAL ORDER I WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION  
[TG]: dude past you is still you, so if he’s a moron you’re a moron.  
[CG]: NO, YOUR WRONG. I KNOW MORE THEN HIM.  
[TG]: what’s a quadrant CG.  
[CG]: KARKAT CALL ME KARKAT  
[TG]: ok karkat what’s a quadrant?  
[CG]: FINE YOU LITTLE SHIT. TROLL ROMANCE IS SEPERATED INTO FOUR DISTINCT RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS  
<3: WHERE YOU PITY SOMEONE AND DO ARCHITYPAL HUMAN ROMANCE STUFF  
3>: WHERE YOU CAN’T STAND THE PERSON YET RESPECT THEM OR AT LEAST ARE INEXPLICABLY DRAWN TOGETHER  
<>: WERE YOU ARE INVESTED IN THEIR EMOTIONAL WELL BEING KIND OF LIKE FRIENDSIP BUT WITH ROMANTIC OVERTONES  
<^>: WHERE YOU ARE LIKE A WINGMAN OR YOUR “HUMAN RELATIONSHIP COUNCLER”  
THEY CORRISPOND WITH COLORS RED BLACK PALE AND GREY  
[TG]: wait so when you said you care for me?  
[CG]: yes  
[TG]: <> <> <>  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy sullox is hard to write for. he kept on coming off as more actively hostile then petty hostile. what do you guys think?


	11. update

hey dudes im not dead. update tomorrow probably. iv been suffering from writers block and needed to take a step back for a while.


	12. witty title about a road trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Egberts on the Road

“alright Jade. Clothes?”  
“check”  
“snacks?”  
“Check”  
“toiletries?”  
“check”  
“books?”  
“check”  
“alright then” Stan says while patting down his pockets for wallet and keys “I declare us ready for the road.”  
“yeah!” Jade is practically vibrating “this is going to be the best birthday ever!” Jade throws open the passenger side door.  
“ah hem Jade your still to young to sit up front” Jade huffs and slowly lumbers out and into the back seat.  
“alright. Seatbelts?”  
Click “check”  
Stan adjust the Radio. As smooth jazz begins to play Stan turns his head and begins to back out of the driveway. Jade pulls out her cell phone “im going to be chatting with my friends ok?”  
GardenGnostic [GG] began pestering MadscienceGodhead [MG]  
[GG]: DAVID!!! :D we are on our way!  
[MG]: hells to the yeah cant believe your driving there some real oregon trail shit in yeah old covered jalopy woo there pa theres a watering hole its a pacific pride except this isnt the pacific yet prarie pride?  
[GG]: japoly how dare you sir >;( my dad maintains our car  
[MG]: oh shit bday girl mad duck and cover shes gunna use her b day wish to get back at me gunna make me go bald or something  
[GG]: hahahaha! got to go I promised rose I would message her too  
[MG]: well shit now I don’t feel special  
GardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering MadscienceGodhead [MG]  
GardenGnostic [GG] began pestering TenticlesandTripwires [TT]  
[GG]: ROOOOSE!!!   
[TT]: Has your excursion commenced?  
[GG]: YES! I cant wait to see you! :D  
[TT]: Inevitably David will be green with envy of our reconvening first.  
[GG]: hahha yes >:)  
[TT]: what sort of tourist destinations will you see on the way?  
[GG}: we don’t know yet dad says “We will pick them as they come.” :) but im excited for the jungle gardens in Louisiana. Even though we wont be able to stay for long there will be a huge storm!!  
[TT]: And, you know this how exactly?  
[GG]: hu I don’t know I just have a feeling I guess  
[TT]: No doubt similar to when you revealed David’s present.  
[GG]: im really sorry about that I thought he knew D:  
[TT]: it is alright. the present was obvious in hindsight. I look forward to showing you our new abode.  
[GG]: thats right you said you moved that’s so cool :D I cant wait to see it!!  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“I spy with my little eye…something green”   
“is it the grass?”  
“no kiddo”  
“is it the trees?”   
“nope”  
“is it the highway signs?”  
“wrong again”  
“ok what is it?”  
“your eyes.”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“dad im boooored”  
“I suppose we could use a rest stop; I saw a sign for Jungle guardians a ways back.”  
“oh, we should hurry it looks like it may rain in a while.”  
“I don’t know Jade seems like we are in for a sunny day to me.”  
“no, it’s definitely going to storm.”  
“Your old man has been around the block quite a few times I think I know what I’m talking about.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
The rain pelted the Egbert duo as they sprinted back towards the parking lot. Stan Holding a cooler in both hands, Jade struggling to keep her hat on her head.  
Jade shout of “I TOLD YOU SO!” is lost is a torrent of wind  
Later in the safety of there vehicle Stan opens the cooler and pulls out two sandwiches “mustard or mayo?”   
“mustard”  
“well Jadey looks like you were right about the weather”  
The two laugh  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“no no see Shes only famous when she has the wig on.”  
“I get that part, but have you considered that if she is the daughter of a renowned country musician shouldn’t she be at least a little famous?”  
“I guess no one in the city cares about country music.” Jade gasps “that must be why they live there!”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“holy cow dad. Look at all those layers of over pass”  
“do you want to take a detour and go on the top level. We are still early enough that we should miss the traffic?”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Stan stands before a door, apartment number 413. It’s a cheap door, the kind that wouldn’t be caught dead in his house. He knocks.  
The door swings open. “yo” says the ever-enigmatic Bro Strider. His hand is extended.  
“ah hello Dietrich it’s a pleasure to see you again.” Stan accepts the hand.   
After the eighth manliest handshake in paradox space. Stan took in the apartment. It was controlled chaos half the sink was filled with dirty dishes, most of the living room was taken up by model stages and several coffee cups where scattered across the room. Rose sat hunched in the corner with a computer  
“ROSE!” screamed Jade  
“ah hello my friend. I must admit I was hoping you would arrive later. I am almost done with your present. None the less it is truly wonderful to see you.”  
Jade tilts her head “oh what did you make?”  
“Your powers of deduction are slipping Dear Jade. It’s a surprise.”  
Jade rolls her eyes.   
Bro cuts in “make yourselves at home” he begins silently disassembling sets.   
Rose stands up “well I suppose its 'tour time'"  
“YEAH!”   
“Here we have the living room, currently film lot. The kitchen is connected. fun fact the kitchen is the second most dangerous room in the house.”  
Rose leads the Egberts down the apartment’s hallway “To the left is bro's room, where you will be staying Mr. Egbert, and across is my room. the bathroom is at the end of the hall.”  
“sweet let’s check out your room Rose!”  
Suddenly bro speaks “I need to talk to you and Stan first”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
When Jade entered Roses room the first thing she saw was the walls. CawcAwcacccwwwCAW. Jade didn’t say anything, bro said Rose was sensitive about it. The next thing she noticed was two living crows handing out by the windowsill “ack ack” they called as they flow away. Then Jade saw it, the greatest thing she had ever seen; A 6-foot-tall stuffed animal. She didn’t even know what the animal was it had tentacles and was human shaped.  
Jade dives at it “I didn’t know you liked stuffed animals. What else are you hiding from me?”  
“well im a space alien and secretly queen of New York” Rose responds in a dry voice.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Stan sat on the couch feeling slightly awkward “so what’s on the docket for today”  
“Zoo” said bro as he wheels folded up stage into the corner “then gifts”


	13. update good news bad news

remember when i said sporatic updating? welp  
schools starting up so im going to be very busy  
but on the bright side im hlf way through the next chapter and hopefully will be done before friday


	14. sleeping and screaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aha i finally updated. as usual no beta no proofing we die like men

Mr. Egbert took in his surroundings. The place was not quite a mess but mess adjacent. Dishes piled up in the sink, crumbs littered the floor. However, most of the stages where in a corner and most of the puppets made it into an open chest. There was a chore chart on the fridge, it simply stated “prez’aint”  
“so…I seem to remember talking on the phone with you about how to keep a clean home.”  
Bro pauses, then he yawns. “we got the present done.”  
“how much sleep have you gotten Dietrich?”  
“like this week?”  
“perhaps we should hold off on the zoo. I could cook dinner.”  
“no no zoo.” Bro proceeds to walk off towards the bed rooms. “im gunna get em” Stan follows  
“really man, you can hardly string a sentence together”  
Bro opens the door, he stops. “heh. Bed it is.” And walks off.  
Stan takes in the room and its occupants. Jade curled up with some sort of giant tentacle plush and Rose drooling onto Jades shoulder. Stan takes a picture.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
John took in his surroundings, his target the kitchen was ahead. He heard talking in the distance but it wasn’t getting closer.  
The kitchen, as apposed to its usual semi functional state, was spotless. This meant two things. One Gramps had company over and two there where good snacks. Foods like caviar, cream cheese, bagels and even fresh grapes. Canned and dried food was all well and good but fresh foods where fresh food.  
John had long since mastered the art of the buffet plate. On a good day he could pile the plate 6 inches high without food mixing in unpalatable ways. As john carefully placed the last cherry he suddenly heard voices. Gramps and is business pals where dangerously close. Thinking quickly John ducked into one of the cabinets in the kitchen island.  
“Oh Mr. Harley that’s quite the smorgasbord you have set up.” says suit one  
“oh…mmmh quite nothing but the best for my dear chums” stated Gramps  
John finding himself crouching in a cupboard while vulchars talked off picking clean his meal. It was an infuriating predicament to say the least  
“was it really necessary. We just ate?”  
“oh quite right. Best put this away”  
John hears the fridge open and shut. He lets out a breath. His PDA buzzes loudly.  
“what was that”  
The cupboard opens. “john my boy what ever are you doing there?” he finds himself being picked up.  
“gentlemen this is my dear grandson John. Say hi john.”  
“PUT ME DOWN IM 12! IM GETTING MY FOOD AND IM LEAVING!”  
His grandfather drops him in shock. John youth rolls to the fridge, grabs is plate and absconds the heck out of there.  
“good heavens I don’t know what’s gotten into the lad”  
“It’s alright, kids these da” the rest is lost to distance as john runs.

TerminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[TG]: what?! What the fuck do you want?  
[TC]: HeY MoThErFuCkEr. I hEaR you’re a bIt Of A pAlE sluT aNd WaS wOnDeRiNg If YoU cOuLd HeLp Me WiTh SoMeThInG?  
[TG]: sure ok. I guess im a slut now?  
[TC]: GrEaT sO iV gOt ThEsE fUcKiNg GrEaT pIeS bUt LiKe EqUiUs Is AlL “D--> you pollute your precious b100d With your bottled fizzy sugar and soporific to%ins” aNd LiKe “D--> how many pies do you have left” BuT lIKe HoW mAnY fUcKiN pIeS dO i HaVe?  
[TG]: ok I’ll bite, how many do you have?  
[TC]: iM nOt GoInG tO cOuNt ThEm ItS pArT oF ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRiCle. I jUsT wAnT tO kEeP mY cHiLl On  
[TG]: if I give you advice will you leave me alone?  
[TC]: YeAh MoThErFuCkEr I jUsT wAnT sOmE aDvIcE.  
[TG]: have you tried yoga or like meditation?  
[TC]: mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrIcle.  
[TG]: you have no idea what im talking about do you?  
[TC]: nOpE :o)  
[TG]: https://www.wikihow.com/Meditate https://www.wikihow.com/Do-Yoga  
[TC]: YoUr A mOtHeRfuCkIn MiRiClE  
TerminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
TheghostbustingGroupie [TG] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG]  
[TG]: hey  
[CG]: ALL RIGHT WHATS WRONG?  
[TG]: how do you know somethings wrong?  
[CG]: BECAUSE YOU’RE A CINEMA LOVING FUCK, AND THE ONLY TIME YOUR NOT TRYING TO GET ME TO WATCH SOMETHING IS WHEN YOUR PISSED.  
[TG]: don’t really want to talk about it.  
[CG]: GOG DAMN IS THIS HOW YOU LEARN ABOUT QUADRENTS. DO I BRING THIS SHIT UP NOW?  
[TG]: nope. I know what <> is I just don’t want to talk about it.  
[CG]: FINE I’LL JUST STAND HERE BEING USELESS LIKE A GOG DAMN DECAF FAYGO AT CLOWN CHURCH OR THE CAN OPENER CRAB DAD OWNS.  
[TG]: every window you give me into your world makes me more and more confused.  
[TG]: why do you call your dad crab dad?  
[CG]: BECAUSE HE IS A GIANT FUCKING CRAB, YOU HARLET. AND HE IS A LUSUS NOT A DAD MUCH SAFER THEN HAVING A GOG DAMN ADULT AROUND.  
[TG]: and a lusus is?  
[CG]: .jpeg  
[TG]: bro what in the gog damn fuck, what is that?  
[TG]: crab dad I know. Is that grey guy you? You’re actually an alien??  
[CG]: YES YES IM AN ALIEN YES YES YOU AND YOUR CULTURE MAKES A SHITTY JOKE BOUT WANTING TO FUCK ALIENS. MOVING THE FUCK ON. CRAB DAD MAY HAVE VAGUELY TRIED TO EAT ANYONE I BRING OVER BUT AT LEAST HE MAKES GOOD FOOD.  
[TG]: man, I wish gramps would cook more often. I usually live off of canned goods and dried foods. Breads nice when I feel like making it.  
[TG]: so, wait are all lusi crabs?


	15. temples of doom and birthdays too

Rose woke up. 6 PM, she hadn’t woken up this late since her dear brother had his fit of parental instinct. Something else unusual about this situation is her pillow. Where fluff usually sits is boney shoulder. Jade long since awaken sits lost to the world staring at a YouTube video on her phone. Suddenly the screen goes dark.  
“shucks”  
“Language dear Jade.”  
Jade jumps. “oh, you’re up”   
“Indeed? Would you like to see your present?”  
“Hells yeah.”  
“my, you have been spending a lot of time talking to David, haven’t you?”  
The duo walked out of the bedroom. Sounds of cooking could be heard. As they took in the living room Rose was struck with a sense of nostalgia and melancholy at the sight of Deidrick asleep on the couch. She understood that the end of an era had long since come, yet she still didn’t understand why and likely never would.   
“why hello” stan whispers   
Whatever else he was about to say was quickly lost to Rose walks up to Deidrick and shoved him off the couch.  
“HAHAHAHA” stan buckles over with laughter “I hadn’t expected that”  
“That’s Rose” Deidrick states flatly from the floor.  
“gather round lady and gentleman” Rose begins “for we are about to bear witness to the creative labors of a truly brilliant mind, and my brother, who were dedicated to one thing and one thing only… giving Jade the greatest present possible”  
Rose ejects a disc from her laptop and places it in the TVs DVD player.   
The movie began with trailers. First came “the complacency of the learned” then came the entirety of street fighter the movie at 40X speed and then the menu. The Wolf of Hells Kitchen.   
“Please Jade do the honors” Rose said while presenting the remotes resting in the palm of her hands.  
“before we begin” Stan cuts in “I made a stir fry”  
“FOOOD” Jade yells  
“Jade Take a bowl for Rose. Deidrick, I have your bowl”  
“thanks Stan” Says Deidrick with an expression on his face unreadable to all.  
Jade pressed play. What followed was a movie full of twists, turns, clowns, and a werewolf detective.  
As the credits rolled Jade spoke “that was the best thing I’d ever seen”  
“thank you, it was a labor of love.” Responds Rose.   
“now, then,” she takes Jade by the hand “we have much to do.”  
“K, good night dad” Jade mumbles on her way back to Roses room.  
Stan turns to Deidrick “What say a game of, Carcassonne?”  
After a pause the Strider nods   
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“so, Rose what are we going to do?”  
“Well. Dear Jade, I would be honored for you to join me in a video game speed run. I’m going to post it on YouTube.”   
“oh, what game?”  
“Halo 3.”  
“is it scary?”  
“no not at all.”  
“all right this sounds fun.”  
“Exquisite, do you want the bean bag or the gamer™ chair?”  
Rose began setting up her camera and computer for recording while Jade dives into the bean bag.   
Rose sat down handed Jade a controller and pressed play “welcome to Strider studios im the CovidQueen and this is…” she glances over to Jade “DogGod100 and tonight dear viewers we are doing a one attempt speed run of Halo 3.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
John was having a good day. The best he had had in a while. It was sunny and there was a lot of left-over food from Gramps’ last business meeting. All in All, a perfect day for a picnic and a swim. On a whim Jon heads towards that weird ass frog temple in the middle of the lagoon.   
As he climbed the monuments giant steps john wondered who built it and what became of them. Either way the view was amazing you could see everything including two of the three satellite spires. As John gets ready to slide down the side back into the water he hears a noise. A Helicopter is inbound.   
“Not Gramps again” John thinks. He is about to head back home when a thought occurs to him.   
John turns around and begins to climb to the temples entrance. As he reaches the top he steps on something. It was a bottle cap.   
Inside the temple he emptied his syllidax.  
One of Gramps’ canes  
His bird watching binoculars  
A cooler half full of food, plenty of fruit.  
His phone and solar charger  
The picnic blanket   
And a bottle of shampoo for some reason. John thinks karkat would say something about how he should remember to keep his syladax clean. Gog karkats the best, john hoped he was having a good day.   
John looks into the temple. He grabs his things and sets out   
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The inside of the temple was cool and dark. John was thankful for his phone’s flashlight feature. The temple was full of twists and turns, often going nowhere.  
After a left turn John finds himself at another dead end. There is a crate. Closer inspection reveals it to be marked with the Harley Corp company logo. John is getting hungry. He decides to stop for dinner.   
His phone places on the ground flashlight pointed up. It illuminates john’s little corner. As he eats, he inspects the hieroglyphics on the walls. Theres a Gecko, some weird interlocking ring thing, a bunch of repeating symbols and hey that one looks kind of like karkat. Before john can take a closer look there is sudden darkness.  
John begins to grope around on the floor to find his phone. It probably went into sleep mode.   
After finding his phone john is greeted with probably the 15th worst thing he could see in his situation   
[warning power at 15% battery saver engaged] “well shit” says john. He gets up and begins power walking the way he came. Left, right, right, straight, left, the stairs should be just around the corner. Oh no that’s a dead end.


	16. Bring on the Trolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welp its a short one

Karkat was not having a good day. In fact, many would call it a shit bag awful day. First there was the normal levels of suckitude, trapped on a small rock floating in space, being hunted by an indestructible dog thing, you know the usual. But then there were the new things, the downright weird things. It all started when Karkat went to find something to eat. There were five vending machines in this stupid place, all had been emptied without anyone telling him. so, he did what any normal sane troll would do. Loudly curse out the universe then go to one of two breakroom style kitchens they had found.   
As he walked, he heard Eridan having a bitch fit about something while Feferi tried to placate him, sollux some edgy music load enough to be heard three doors down and around a corner, and Nepeta clanging around in the too small vents  
“YOU KNOW WHAT SHITTY HUNK OF SPACE ROCK HAD ENOUGH ROOM FOR US TO SPREAD OUT, THE ECTOBIOLOGY ROCK. WHY COULDN’T WE HAVE GOTTEN STRANDED ON THAT ONE.” Karkat whisper shouted.  
Suddenly a door swings open. Its Vriska “shut up im watching something” the door slams.   
Finally, Karkat gets to his destination. He opens the door and is greeted by a naked bulg at eye level.  
“NaMaStE mOtHeRfUcKeR” Gamzee states nonchalantly as if is body wasn’t bent in some unnatural way…and naked.  
“GAMZEE WHAT THE FUCK”  
“I aM oNe WiTh ThE uNiVeRsE MoThErFuCkEr”  
“CANT YOU DO THIS SOME WHERE ELSE”  
“iM wAiTiNg FoR mY TeA.”  
“WHAT THE FUCK IS TEA, YOU KNOW WHAT I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.”  
Karkat slams the door shut. leans against it for good measure he slowly slides down the wall until he is sitting on the floor. “I wonder what Johns up too?”


	17. Friendships and funerals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halo 3 is a scary game guys

“that” says Jade “was the scariest thing I have ever experienced. There is no way im going to sleep tonight.”  
Rose blinks “No it wasn’t.”  
“yes, it was. That was terrifying.”  
“Jade I had never considered the flood terrifying. If anything, I find their design entertaining and truly unique. I find great joy in watching how they are animated.”  
“Rose you have problems.”  
“Evidentially. What do you want to do now? Since we are endeavoring to stay up all night.”  
“want to play another video game?”  
“My dear Egbert you are truly speaking my language.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Karkat stared down at his palm husk, mouth agape. He really couldn’t leave John alone. I mean honestly five minutes alone and John would be liable to get himself killed.  
Suddenly Karkat stiffens. Get himself killed. No John means no spurb, no spurb means no dognoir, no dognoir means they win. All he has to do is nothing.  
Karkats stomach growled, all he has to do is nothing.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“Can we please play something other than a Mario game?” Rose begged  
“Nope.” Jade replied with a smirk “oh shucks, your turn.”  
Rose for her part immediately walks Mario of a cliff.  
“you’re no fun.”  
“a racing game? Tony hawk?”  
Jade blinks “whos tony hawk?”  
Rose slowly turns her head. “a famous skate boarder.”  
“they make skate boarding games?”  
Rose stares open mouth “ok no more Mario. For the rest of the night we are going to play Tony Hawk.”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Rose looked up. The sun had risen. She looked to Jade she had fallen asleep.  
“heh. Weak.”  
Suddenly Rose notices the time. She smiles. The rancorous punk was going to saver this. She leaned in close.  
“JADE WAKE UP.” Jade Jumps  
“AAAAAHHHHHH”  
“ITS ALREADY 7:30!”  
“y-you big meany”  
“BWAHAHA. Revenge”  
Jade for her part tackles Rose with a pillow.  
“aaaaahhhh die die”  
Rose frantically gropes for a weapon to defend herself. With a thump Jade falls back. Rose looks at her weapon ‘sorry Captain Alberton’ she thinks to the stuffed whale.  
Suddenly a pillow strikes the back of her head. The voice of her dear brother echoes in her mind ‘rule number one never take your eye off the enemy’  
In a flash the captain is back where he belongs, and Rose is behind Jade pillow raised high. With almost supernatural reflexes Jade dives to the side.  
“hahaha zzzzzzzz” Jade collapses.  
Rose stands there feeling a little let down if she is being honest.  
Knock knock knock  
“we are decent” Rose said automatically  
Deidrick sticks his head in, in a monotone voice he states “wakey wakey eggs and bakey”  
“I would prefer to wait for Jade to recuperate.”  
“ts’gunna take a while. How late where you up.”  
“7”  
“ah”  
“You?”  
“just got up.”  
“hmmm, yes. Getting old dear brother?” Rose says with a sly smile “One foot in the grave already? I can’t wait for my inheritance.”  
“keep waiting its all going to the crows.”  
“Yes, all according to my plan.”  
“Damn”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
The gate of the Huston city Zoo was honestly kind of small. It only had three ticket booths under larger gate. A large slab supported by 2 pillars, each a third of the way in.  
“Brother dear are you sure this is the main gate?”  
“definitely.” Replied her Brother arms crossed  
“uuuugggggg its so hot” complained Jade, wearing a large sunhat, sleeveless shirt and shorts. “why did we come here?”  
“because Dear Jade you love animals…and I love seeing you suffer.” Rose said wearing far too much black to be seasonally appropriate.  
“HAHAHA” boomed Stan in cargo shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. “Jade I do believe your friend holds a grudge.”  
“that’s Rose” Said Deidrick.  
Alright what do you want to do oh my gosh is that a water park?!” Jade says before rushing off.  
“Jade I would hardly call” Rose glances at the sign “the “water play park” a water park.”  
“don’t care it has water” Jade yelled as she ran through a waterspout.  
Rose rolls her eyes.  
“ok I’m no longer being cooked alive. let’s go see some ANIMALS!”  
The closest exhibit was the African guardians. This means that the group had barely walked 15 feet before some majestic giraffes came into view  
“hey Rose” Jade whispered, “don’t the giraffes remind you of bro?”  
“his neck isn’t that long…but yes” she whispered back  
“so” said stan “left or right. Im thinking left.” There was map kiosk to the left.  
“Im in a wandering mood personally.” Said the male Strider  
“alright then Jadey what do you think.”  
The duo looked back. There wards where already gone. Stan looks forward and spots a black boot disappear around the corner.  
“ey they’ll be fine.” Said Deidrick as he headed towards a snack booth.  
“but we can’t just abandon them.”  
Deidrick turned around “Rose has a cell phone and she knows how to defend herself. Let them have fun.”  
“alright, what they hey. Let’s see what that arch is.”  
The aforementioned arch had a wooden cut out of a duck, Frog and several other animals. As they got closer, they could see the words ‘CHILDREN’S ZOO’  
The duo paused. Stan slowly begins to laugh. “well then perhaps we should plan our day.”  
When the duo reached the map. Stan begins to laugh again “the main entrance ey?” he says with a point to a much larger entrance further down the map.  
“how about the Zebras?”  
“works for me then. There are some nice exotic birds that way as well.”  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Near the end of the day the two families met up at the west gate.  
Stan was in a cowboy hat and Deidrick had three more caps balanced on his head.  
Rose and Jade were wearing matching t shirts. Jade holding a large stuffed wolf and her face painted.  
“Did you two have fun?” asked Stan asked as he began to lead the group back to the car.  
“YEAH it was great we say Tigers, and maned wolves, and elephants and nice hat by the way.”  
“thank you. I think it looks fetching if I do say so myself.”  
“oh definitely.” Said Deidrick  
“what did you two do?” asked Jade with a head tilt.  
“for one, they have an extensive bird wing. Pun intended.”  
“Brother Dear you should know, turns out there is a parking lot just on the other side of the zoo.”  
“yep”  
“well I just thought you should know as you said quote on quote “this is definitely the main gate.”  
“haha rose like you’ve never”  
“hey what’s that?” Jade interrupts  
“What’s what kiddo?” asked Stan.  
“that on the windshield”  
It was a bird, a white bird. Rose began to run “oh no no no no.”  
She gasped “M-Minnie?” her voice cracking in the middle.  
Stan and Deidrick turn to each other. they exchange several facial expressions and glances.  
Stan walks forward. “Im sorry Rose, this must be very hard for you.”  
Rose just whimpers  
He crouches down.  
“Death” stan continues “is an unfortunate part of life. At least this way you get to morn, you get closer. Now in my family we cremate our dead. Pets included. Would you like that Rose?”  
Rose just nodes her head.  
“alright then, I’ll hold on to Minnie for safe keeping until” “no I’m going to old her.”  
Rose leans forward and gentle almost reverently lifts her up.  
“she’s” Rose stops holding back something. Even rose couldn’t tell you what. “still warm.”  
The drive home was quiet.  
Deidrick got out halfway.  
When they arrived at the apartment he was there in a black suit and tie. “I set something up on the roof.”  
It was a grill. Wood stacked into a spire silver tinsel threaded throughout.  
“I figured you would want this over with.”  
“yeah” Rose walked over and gently placed Minnie down.  
Seeing Rose, crows began to gather.  
“thank you all for coming” Rose’s voice is calm “today we morn the loss of…a friend. Minnie was not the…” rose trails off “They say it’s a tragedy when a parent buries a child. I was not Minnie’s Parent but the” Roses voice cracks “nest she was born in was on my windowsill.” She turns to her brother. “you may light.”  
“Today Minnie’s soul returns to the heavens where she belongs.”  
The Group stands in a sea of crows, watching the flames quietly.  
Rose looks at her hands, there blood on them.  
“Bro…can I have Minnie’s skull?”  
“why do… ok”


	18. sleepless nights

Deidrick couldn’t sleep. The old Grand father clock he kept in the corner for ironic reasons was tick tick ticking away. His little sister was going through a lot and he didn’t really know what to do. Stan had offered to stay for a few more days but Rose said she wanted to be alone.  
God he wished Stan was here. He would have an idea what to do. I mean Rose was just staring at the wall yesterday. I mean he figured it was a good sign better then scrawling all over the living room or something. maybe she’s just thinking through shit. Yeah that could be it. he turned over his eyes landed on his pile of posters he had yet to hang back up.  
The Strider shoved himself up with a grunt. He groped around until he found his lamp light. He flipped it on. The lamp was shaped like a nude woman, good he loved irony. The man stumbled towards his work area. One-part dresser, one-part turn tables and two parts work bench the bizzar hodge podge of his interests and life necessities took up half of 2 walls and one full wall. Almost tripping over the tarp, he had used to hide it away while stan was here, he reached for the tape.  
He continued to mull over the rose situation as he began hanging posters. 22 sweet bro and Hella jeff posters. Rose claimed to know the guy who makes them, Deidrick has his doubts. No way that David kid is ironic enough for it. The Strider was proud of the next one a Jeffery and the Bro poster. it takes some serious ironic talent to turn a poster about a comic dedicated to experiencing life in complete sincerity into something ironic. 3 horse posters. Horses are awesome full stop. Lastly One a generic Hang in their Poster. He had been doing a lot of the lately, hanging in there. Now that the posters where done his mind drifted back to Rose. Man, if only he had something else to distract himself. Making hot coco would be a distraction.

Deidrick heard some noises from across the hall. He opened the door walked across the hall.  
Knock knock.  
The door opens with a creak. He rolled his eyes. Only Rose would rig a door up to do that.  
“hey Sis cant sleep?”  
The child looks up to her brother. “no”  
“hey Rose, want to do some night sparing?”  
“yeah” she said half heartedly  
“I’ll get the swords.”  
“can we use the real ones?”  
“and have Doc Smith yelled at me wen she gets back from vacation?”  
Rose sighed and then shrugged “wood it is. I’ll be on the roof.” She disappeared in a flash.  
There was a boot print on the wall. Deidrick thought she did it on purpose. He did most of the cleaning.

Deidrick lunges “so how are things.”  
“Things dear brother” rose said as she elegantly side stepped and began her own volley “dont begin to cover it”  
“just thought id ask.” The elder strider begins to walk backwards deflecting blows.  
Rose lets out a long sigh that quickly turns into a squeak of surprise as her Bro goes on the offensive  
“I have a hunch brother that Minnie was murdered”  
Bro stops, and almost gets knee capped for his mistake. “who would do that to a crow?”  
Back on the defense Deidrick begins doing a series of unnecessarily flashy flips and twirls.  
“I. Do. Not. Know.” She emphasizes each word with a powerful swing of her daggers  
Her brother flash steps. Rose immediately accesses her strife deck and throws a bolo behind her. She hears her brother flop onto the ground. She turns the bolo lies in three pieces on the ground.  
Rose got into a defensive stance and began moving in slow circles.  
“I want to find out” Rose continues “but I realize its too late for that. By the time I will know enough. Minnie’s trail will have gone cold as the grave.”  
“so, what then?” Deidrick’s voice echos out across the roof.  
“so, I don’t want others to go through what I am going through.”  
suddenly her brothers voice is right behind her. She feels wood tap her shoulder. “so long as I don’t die in your batman origin story. We can check out some books about detective work tomorrow.”  
“id like that brother, your support is admirable if not entirely necessary.”  
“want some coco? I already planned on making some.”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Jade couldn’t sleep.  
“dad do we have to drive all night?”  
“not technically but I want to get to our destination.”  
“to see your crush?”  
“ha, men don’t get crushes boys get crushes.”  
“so, what do you have then.”  
“umm, admiration?”  
The duo fell into silence  
“Dad why did we have to leave Rose?”  
Stan sighed and slumped over a little “people react to death in different ways. Some people just need to be alone to process.”  
“is that how you reacted to grandma’s death?”  
“well no. I tend to…find ways to distract myself. In this case you came into my life around the same time.”  
“Really? You’ve never told me that.”  
“its true. Funny how life finds a way of working out.”  
“hey dad?”  
Stan hums  
“who was my mom.”  
Stan pauses. his voice rumbles out deep and slow. “she was a friend. I met her when I was in the navy. She worked at a dinner on the first base I was stationed on. When word came in that I was shipping out to a different base she spent the week teaching me how to cook eggs. The eggs at that dinner where the best id ever had.  
“is that how you got into cooking?”  
“part of it yes. Sadly, I’ve never managed to make eggs as good as she did. After words we became pen pals.” Stan paused again “we eventually fell out of touch but not before I agreed to be your godfather.”  
“she was a very kind woman, just like you. although she had less energy then you have. Why” stan laughs a little. “she would have scarcely been able to keep up.”  
“she sounds nice.”  
“yes she was. You have her eyes you know.”  
“that’s nice.”  
The Egbert duo kept talking about the partly fictitious woman until Jade drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not that this will get explored in the story itself but the woman Stan was talking about is someone he actually knew. Stan never actually became pen pals with her and he considered her to be the one that got away. Jades Fake mom also has a health mix of Nana Egbert when ever Stan's memory fails him or if he just doesn't know something


	19. old problems and new twists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Egberts reunite with the Lalondes

It was cold, it was dark. John was lying on the floor. “well, its been a good couple of years” he thinks. “some of it was nice when it lasted.” His phone buzzed, it was at 4% battery life.  
GallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[GC]: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
[TG]: could you not.  
[GC]: COM3 ON 1TS K1ND OF FUNNY.  
[TG]: not really.  
[GC]: TOT4LY FUNNY 1 M34N YOU H4V3 UNW4V3R1NG F41TH 1N SOM3ON3. SOM3ON3 YOU KNOW W1LL TURN 4G41NST YOU 3V3NTU4LLY  
[TG]: fuck you. you type like an idiot.  
[GC]: >:0 1S TH4T 4NYW4Y TO T4LK TO 4 FR13ND 1 M34N R34LLY H3R3 1 4M 1N YOUR L4ST MOM3NTS 4ND YOUR B31NG M34N  
[TG]: what ever this is about, hurry up. My phones about to die.  
[GC]: 4LL R1GHT F1N3 W3 C4N JUST R3SC3DU4L YOUR DOOM >:P  
Two things happened at this point. Johns phone died and he was enveloped in a green light.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“oh, this is going to be terrible Jade” not exactly whined Stan but it was whine adjacent.  
“what’s wrong?”  
“there’s a wrinkle in my tie that just won’t iron out.” He States holding out his favorite tie.  
Jade squints “it looks fine dad. I don’t see a wrinkle”  
Stan looks startled and holds the Tie up to his face “hmmmm maybe so Jadey” he then deftly ties his tie.  
“right then” he continues after he puts away the hotels ironing board. “baggage?”  
“packed” exclaims Jade.  
“Right” Stan says back as he shoves the bags into is syladax.  
“final room check”  
Jade begins running around the room head darting. “check”  
Stan nodes his head.  
“tip” stan states while placing a 20 on the desk  
“keys” He states and tosses them to Jade. “you can wait in the car while I check out.”  
Jade quickly tosses the keys back. “I was going to go to the gas station across the street. I’ll bring Bec.”  
“alright then kiddo”  
Once outside Jade calls out “Bec here boy.” In a signature flash of green the dog is there. He barks twice and does a little spin. Jade pats his head.  
“alright boy common.”  
After looking both ways Jade sprints across the road. Godly mutt trailing behind. As she enters the Gas station, a Shell, one of the employees calls out.  
“ma’am, no pets aloud.” He was a gangly teen, acne ridden and with clear blue eyes. His name tag has the current year on it.  
“he’s my service dog.”  
“I don’t see vest.”  
“he doesn’t like to wear it.”  
The teen gives an incredulous look. Then seems to decide that its barely a dog anyway. “if it makes a mess your helping me clean”  
As Jade wonders the isles she begins to talk “what do you think bec beef jerky or beef stick?”  
…  
“ah yes both”  
“hhmmm, Gatorade or a soda?”  
…  
“ok fine a water bottle”  
“ooh chips”  
When the girl reaches the counter, the teen speaks. “so what’s the deal with your dog anyway?”  
“I don’t know he just is the way he is.”  
“that doesn’t concern you at all?”  
“nope, when ever my narcolepsy acts up he keeps me out of danger. So if he is an alien he comes in peace.” She gives a toothy grin.  
The teen exhales in a half chuckle “can I get a picture?” he says while gesturing to a rack of disposable cameras.  
“nope, Bec hates cameras.”  
The employee “Bobby” his name tag reads looks at the bulbous camera domes on the ceiling.  
“oh those aren’t going to be working. They should be a little staticy for a few minutes after I leave.”  
Jade looks out “oh there’s my Dad bye, nice meeting you.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
John didn’t know what to make of that. One moment he was in the ruins and the next hes in bed. He might be hallucinating. How long does it take someone to go crazy?  
As john pondered the state of is mental health he plugged in his phone and waited.  
John woke to his phone buzzing with a start.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]: IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY  
[CG]: FUCK YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THAT  
[TG]: karkat its fine. Alls well that ends well right? assuming im not hallucinating in a hole :)  
[TG]: wow that sounded a lot less alarming in my head  
[CG]: YOUR FINE YOUR SAFE. IM AN ASSHOLE BUT IM GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU STAY SAFE.  
[TG]: hey thats my friend your talking about. Your not an asshole.  
[CG]: DAMN IT JOHN I LEFT YOU TO DIE.  
[TG]: im sure you had your reasons.  
[CG]: WELL THEY WERENT FUCKING GOOD ONES.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[TG]: wait what? Weren’t we already talking?  
[CG]: GOG FUCKING DAMN IT GO AWAY.  
[CG]: HAHA YES WITH THE TWO OF US JOHN WILL REALLY FEEL THE AWESOME POWER OF OUR TROLLING  
[CG]: ARE YOU PAN FRIED? ARE YOU STUTID? WHEN HAVE WE EVER GOTTEN ALONG?  
[TG]: what is happening?  
[CG]: CLOSE YOUR FACEHOLE  
[CG]: DON’T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY  
[CG]: WHAT DO I GET A FULL THINKPAN REMOVAL IN THE NEAR FUTURE? WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS SIDE?  
[TG]: oh my gog…there’s two of you! you guys want to watch con-air?  
[CG]: JOHN YOU FUCK. THAT WOULD REQUIRE ME TO WATCH YOUR SHITTY MOVIES TWICE.  
[TG]: oh yeah dump idea.  
[CG]: BACK TO THE FUCKING POINT WHY ARE YOU TAKING IS SIDE? HES A LUSUSFUCKER. A WOOFBEAST FUCKER. HIM AND HIS STUPID FRIENDS RUIN EVERYTHING  
[TG]: wait. I GET MORE FRIENDS?!  
[CG]: YES JOHN YOU GET FRIENDS THAT LAST THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  
[CG]: WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN. OF COURSE, HE HAS FUCKING FRIENDS STUPID BULPSUCKING FRIENDS  
[TG]: karkat your literally the only person in my life. Not figurative literal, literal literal.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]: SORRY ABOUT HIM. YOU DIDN’T NEED THAT. JUST WHAT EVER HAPPENS REMEMBER <>  
[TG]: <>  
[TG]: hey what did he mean about me ruining everything  
[CG]: JOHN I DON’T KNOW WHOS FAULT IT WAS BUT ITS NOT YOURS. ITS GOING TO WORK OUT. YOU TOLD ME THAT.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] Cceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
David was cleaning. He had been cleaning for three days. Why was he doing this, he wondered while dusting the tyrannosorcerous with an extendable Swiffer. He heard foot steps. His mom was rushing down the stairs, when she reached the bottom she begins to hop into a pair of heals she was carrying.  
“thanks for all the help sweety” she said with a kiss to David’s forehead. “I have a hair appointment, I will be back in an hour.”  
“oh yeah” David thought “that’s why I’m doing this”  
Done with his tasks David collapses the Swiffer. “oh hells yeah movie time.” Was the beginning of his trade mark ramble. “gunna watch some Conair, best movie. Deserves an emmy and a razzie because wow. riot in a fuuuu plane like what”  
David reaches the storage closet. After he put the Swiffer away heads towards a book shelf.  
“riot on a plane, snakes on a train, alligators are a pain. What what.”  
David selects his movie of choice. “I wonder if Jade will like Conair? maybe not she is more of a serious film fan. Well that, and cutesy animal movies. Homeward bound then.” He grabs another film off the shelf. Heading towards the couch David began to walk backwards and starts to rap.  
“homeward bound uhh theres a hound. They aint going to no pound.”  
“Theres a cat too she got no hat. Woo”  
“fuck rap is hard.”  
David bumped into the couch and began to roll over its back.  
“guess im not a bard.” He said while sitting up.  
Digging between the couch cushions he pulls out a remote. David points it at the coffee table. A projector rises out of its base. He then points it at the wall. A projection screen unfurls. Inserting the Con air disk, a thought occurs to the boy. He jumps up and runs to the kitchen. Opening the fridge David selects three apples, each a different variety.  
As he lays back down on the couch the amazing Tiggs Boson, sabretooth housecat, jumps on his lap.  
“oh yeah this is going to be a good morning”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“hey mom,” David said, after all she had been staring at the door for the last 3 minutes  
“yes?” asked his mother as she looked down at the boy tucked into her arm.  
“you seem nervous”  
“nonsense im not” the doorbell rings. Roxanne immediately downs the rest of her cocktail.  
She stood up straightened her skirt and strode to the door. David fell on to the couch, rolled onto the floor and ran past his mother.  
“David wait”  
David throws open the door. There stands the Egberts. Jade in her sunhat, tea shirt and skirt. Stan in his usual hat and 3 piece suit, he was holding a bouquet of flowers.  
“David its so good to see you. are all those trees yours?”  
“everything that’s not a pine tree. You want to pick apples?”  
She grabs his shoulders and made direct eye contact “I have never wanted anything more in my life.”  
Stan turns to watch his daughter and her best friend run off into the surrounding orchard. “Be careful, don’t climb any trees.” he called.  
“why Stan are those flowers for me?”  
Stan turns there she is the most elegant beautiful woman in the world. Stan feels his face heat. “why yes” he gently takes her hand. As he brings it to his lips he continues “although they pale in comparison to you.”  
“why Stan you’re incorrigible”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“and these trees are some of my more experimental plants.” David says while broadly gesturing to about a 4 rows of trees. “this row is the fast-growing ones. Mom helped me make them when I was 4 and they started bearing fruit 2 years ago. The rest aren’t worth talking about they aren’t fruit bearing yet. Most of this row is a variation of making them more nutritious, vitamin A, B, C, D etcetera etcetera. Gunna eat nothing but apples once they start. Probably going to get sick and get a protein deficiency but it will be worth it. I will life with no regrets. The next two are just some flavor variation.”  
“hey David” interrupts Jade “do you think our parents are going to get married?”  
“what! Why would you think that?”  
“I don’t know” jade mumbles while shrugging “they just seem to like each other.”  
David frowns  
“hey Jade bet you cant hit that apple off that tree”  
“which one?” jade walks up to David and points “that one”  
David leans closer and closes an eye “no, that one”  
“you’re on” she says her bow suddenly in and  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Stan opened the pantry. Canned goods, cereal, standard pantry affair. He frowns thoughtfully. Roxanne presses up behind him.  
“perhaps a mandarin jello.” She says while picking up a can.  
“no apples?”  
“no, don’t let David hear but im getting a little sick of them.”  
Stan lets out a soft chuckle “he must never know.”  
“I love that boy but sometimes I just have to plan a meal around me.” she says while rolling across Stans back to get to the fridge. “I make a mean chicken with Red wine sauce “  
“That doesn’t sound like something the kids would like.” Stan says while opening drawers and cabinets at random.  
“no, but that’s what hamburger helper is for”  
Stan looks toward the woman “when I don’t feel like cooking, I usually make garlic bread and a salad.”  
“no protean?”  
The man walks up to her, Strong arms wrap around the woman’s waist.  
“well, I usually make eggs Jade eats the bread with peanut butter.” Stan says while still holding Roxanne  
“is that any good.”  
“no, its fowl”  
The couple shares a laugh  
“that’s why I stick to the eggs.”  
Suddenly Roxanne wiggles out of his grasp. “im too sober”  
By the time Stan thinks of something to say, an elegant “I… what?”, Roxanne is chugging a bottle of wine.  
“will you marry me” she blurts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tada not dead. did you know apple trees take 6 years to bear fruit. I sure didnt


	20. the end of the world as we know it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marry early christmas. as usual no beta we die like men

Jade and David where sitting in a pine tree, needles prickling into them. Jade was beaming legs swinging with gusto. Both children had one of there arms wrapped around each other.  
“this is SO COOL” Jade yells from 5 feet of the ground  
“its not like you haven’t climbed a tree before”  
“dad hasn’t let me do anything since I almost fell down a flight of stairs back when I went to school.”  
“I mean I get that you can pull a humpty dumpty at any moment but like your dad could totally just snatch you up with them god tier dad reflexes. Going all superdad faster than a speeding bullet more powerful than a locomotive.”  
“oh, you have no idea” Jade interrupts “one time when I was 7 there was a car crash outside of our house, he ripped open a car door with his bare hands.”  
“No way, get the hell out”   
“oh yeah you can look it up when we get inside.”  
“Jade Jade Jade my phone has internet.”  
“holy cow that’s a thing? I just use my family’s computer”  
David pulls out his pone and begins typing. After 15 minutes he stops “local strongman saves life in car crash… Jade what the fuck? Your dad can do things firefighters need industrial grade tools for and your dog can teleport. What the actual fuck.”  
Jade shrugs “I dunno I used to think everyone’s dog could do that... And everyone’s dad”  
“Are you going to get that strong?”  
“Dad seems to think so.”  
Jade continues “its not like your mom is super normal either.”  
“yeah tell me about it.” David says with a bit of melancholy.   
“I mean she has an observatory; she teaches you crazy science stuff. You have a saber tooth cat that’s so cool”  
“…yeah its pretty lit. want to go meet him?”  
“YES, LETS GO.” Jade then jumps, hits the ground feet first, crumples and ends up on the ground. “ow”  
David for his part starts laughing. As the boy shakes with laughter, he loses his balance “wowow fuck”  
David hits the ground, his breath comes out in pained hiccups  
“DAVID” Jade screams as she scrambles up to him “are you ok?”  
David holds up one finger then a thumbs up followed by a shooing gesture.   
“y-yeah…wind knocked…out”  
After a minute he groans “want to go inside and pet my cat?”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Roxanne woke with a start, “hu wah nm” she elegantly stated.  
“hey mom have you seen Tiggs?”   
It was her son. Her son had woke her. Her beautiful baby boy. And his inability to close doors quietly.   
“oh David toyday ish jus wonderful ishnt it?” she says has she pulls her self out of bed, couch this was the couch. Why was she on the couch? look there’s David.  
Roxanne began pinching her baby’s cheeks “ma beetifool bby boy. I lov you soooo mush.”  
“mom stop your being weird.”  
Oh, that was so like David. Roxanne found her sons indignant response funny. She began to snort, then giggle then snort some more.   
Hey when did Jade get here? With stan. she was giving Roxanne the funniest look. Her giggling turned into full blown laughter.  
Suddenly Roxanne finds herself looking up at the ceiling. She was back on the couch. It was a very comfortable couch. She was getting tired already.   
“I think I see him on the balcony.” Said a deep resonant voice.  
Its stan, kind, perfect, dependable stan.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“oh cool thanks” said David. His eyes dart to the couch “im uuhh sorry about mom.”  
“its fine this isn’t the first time iv seen someone have too much to drink.” Stan states from the kitchen.  
“…”  
His mom began to snore loudly  
David glanced over at Jade. He had half expected her to be asleep behind him as well.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
‘oh wow’ Jade thinks ‘this feels incredibly awkward’  
“hey David, aren’t we going to pet your cat?”  
“hmm, oh yes.”  
The cat was a tabby almost entirely brown and orange but with a few splotches of white. Two long fangs stuck out from the cats mouth. He was practically the size of a bobcat.   
“oh my gosh. He is so cute. I thought he would be bigger” Jade stated while petting the cat.  
“well the saber tooth tiger is a big cat but I spliced him with some house cat. because common I can’t handle a big cat. Like can you imagine a lion in the house, well tiger but point stands. Think of how much it would cost us in food. He’s already expensive. Those teeth make traditional cat food a challenge. Like trying to fence with a claymore. We buy raw meet from area hunters and fishers. Sorry bambe and nemo, Tiggs comes first. You know.  
‘its good to know David’s recovered from the fall’ jade thinks while she comments “I bet it’s a sight to see.”  
“totally. I can show you after dinner if you want.”  
“that would be great.” ‘show…show? He never showed me the house’  
“hey David guess what time it is.”  
“4:35” David says without missing a beat.  
“no, its” Jade leans in close “tour time.”  
“oh man I totally forgot. Alright check it. here’s the living room slash dinning room slash kitchen. Classic modern open floor plan situation. There’s the t-rex.”  
Jade was honestly a little shocked about how blasé he was about the T-rex. Then again, a teleporting dog was a normal part of her life, so who was she to judge.   
“Back this way we have the bathroom.” David opened the door. It was definitely a rich person bathroom. Large tub, minimalist design.   
“it has” David continues “heated toilet seats.”  
“that’s a thing?”  
“it’s the best thing Jade.”  
“Even better then swords?”  
“alright top ten”  
“next too it we have the laundry room. Its nothing special you don’t need to see it. down that hall is mom’s room which we will not be entering.” David says while pointing to the left. Down the hall. “if you look out the window you see my orchard.” He continues with pride.  
“now im sure your wondering whats in this door iv been avoiding talking about? The one right to the right of us. Well that’s. drum roll please”  
Jade began slapping her knees.  
“our private observatory.” He says while opening the door with a flourish.  
“holy cow.”   
Inside the domed room hung a large telescope.   
“you can use this whenever you want?”  
“yes, well I wouldn’t recommend it during the day. Now down this spiral staircase.” He said in reference to the curved staircase against the far side of the room. “we have…another hallway”  
There was a door to their right.   
“this is the home gym.”  
It was about the size of a 3-car garage except instead of a loft it was just more open space. Against one wall was a treadmill and some weightlifting equipment. Against the other wall was a basketball hoop. The third wall had a rack of wooden training swords. Dominating the space was a large exercise mat.   
“the mats where I practice sword fighting with my tutors. Unless the weather is nice.”  
Exiting the room Jade could see the legs of the T-rex and a door to the left.   
“that’s the library. It’s just some bookshelves, a reading nook, a school desk and a chalk board. It doubles as my classroom. And speaking of rooms. Let’s round out this tour with my bedroom.” David finishes while rounding the corner to where his door is.   
What stood out the most in David’s room was the swords. There was a wall mounted katana of course, however there was also a bastard sword, a rapier, and pretty much every other sword imaginable. Jade had no idea there where that many kinds of swords, let alone sword mounts   
“David, I think you have an obsession.”  
“it’s only an obsession if I don’t have other hobbies.” He said with a gesture to the posters also adorning the wall. Most of which where of his own webcomics, how ever there was also a three stooges’ posture and a con-air posture.   
Against the wall with a window sat two desks. One had fairly simple computer and drawing tablet sat the other, besides a peg wall mounted with small tools was relatively bare.   
“hey David, where’s all your science stuff?”  
“in the desk its important to have a tidy work area. Less of a fire risk.”   
“doesn’t the rug defeat the point?””  
“I can roll it up. Want to check out my waterbed?”  
“hell yeah!” Jade rushed forward.  
“wait don’t jump!”  
Jade stops “oh right probably not a good idea to break the waterbed.”  
“kids’ dinner.” Stan suddenly called.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The counter that doubled as the dining table was covered in a wide variety of dishes, garlic bread, salad, some chicken that David recognized and didn’t like, and hamburger helper. David watched in awe and then horror as Jade piled her plate with most of the bread and then materialized a jar of peanut butter.  
“Jade I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”  
“oh, did you want some more garlic bread? Tough luck I got it first.”  
“That’s honestly the least of my concerns right now.”  
“don’t you judge me.”  
“sorry I only with hold judgement for my friends.”  
It was then that Stan interrupted “well if you can’t be friends, I hope you can at least be siblings because your mother and I are getting married”  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
John’s phone buzzed. One arachnidsGrip was trying to get in contact with him.  
‘Holy shit’ he thinks ‘is this what its like to be popular’  
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[AG]: Hiiiiiiii its John right?  
[TG]: yep :)   
[AG]: good ::::) I’m Vriska and id just love to 8e your friend.  
[TG]: sure thing!  
Three minutes pasted  
[AG]: You know Friendship usually starts with a convers8ion.  
[TG]: right yeah. So, what’s with you and the eights?  
[AG]: There are a lot of reasons for that. I have 8 pupils.   
[TG]: like a spider?  
[AG]: I said pupils not eyes.  
[TG]: how does that work? Do you just have four pupils in each eye?  
[AG]: 1 and 7 actually. Your taking this well. Are all humans like this?  
[TG]: i have no idea. Im mostly alone on this big island so i take what i can get.  
[AG]: Isnt your lusis a human?   
[TG]: hes never around. After I learned to read he basically fucked off forever.  
[AG]: that sounds better then my lusis.  
[TG]: what abusive?  
[AG]: No. She’s g8. She made me strong. She’s just a little demanding of my time.  
[TG]: that sounds better then my lusis.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Karkat was pissed. More so then usual. How dare she how dare that bitch. Stomping through the halls of their stupid ass meteor in this stupid ass game session. He found himself in front of a stupid ass door.   
BAM BAM BAM  
The door swings open.  
There she stands the biggest bitch in the universe Vriska Serket.  
“well it’s a8out t”  
Karkat doesn’t let her finish his fist swings. Vriska flies back.  
“hahaha, wow that almost hurt. You must 8e really pissed.”  
“FUCK OFF AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM.”  
“Oh, what’s the matter?” the bitch asked as she stood up. “Can’t handle your own medicine?”   
Karkat’s eyes narrow “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS BUT HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.”  
“Who’s he? Are weeeeeeee talking a8out that 8oy your supposed to 8e.” Vriska raises her hands to make air quotes “trolling?” she smiles wide.  
“IF YOU HURT HIM I SWARE IM GOING TO”  
“To what?!” she interrupts “strand us on a fucking sp8ce rock. May8e play 8uddy 8uddy to some alien freak.”  
Karkat stands there mouth flapping “fuck you” he says in a quiet and hoarse voice.  
Karkat hears her laugh echo after him as he walks away.   
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Vriskas messenger dinged  
[TG]: sorry i’m sure it’s very difficult. i take it all back.  
‘God what a pathetic fuck’ she thinks  
[AG]: its fine some no8ody was 8othering me.  
[TG]: sounds annoying.  
[AG]: Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally annoying. So what’s to do on this island paradise?   
[TG]: oh i mostly walk around and watch movies. want to watch con air with me? Gjgo017A  
[AG]: sure  
‘Is this really the kind of 8ullshit karkat and him get up too?’ She thinks as she loads up the movie


	21. family road trip 2 electric bogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a glimpse into the mind of Roxanne and meeting the neighbors

Roxanne was… having a time of things. On one hand she was going to marry a total babe. Have you seen Stans toosh, you could bounce a quarter off it. but on the other hand, this wouldn’t end well. It couldn’t end well.  
She so desperately wanted to drink but Stan had insisted she drive for the first leg. ‘Drinking would make this so much easier to deal with’ she thinks  
Suddenly she hears a voice “remind me again why we have to do this?” David asked. His voice cracked at the end. It was adorable in Roxanne’s opinion.  
“because sweety Stan needs to supervise the move.”  
“not to mention.” Continues the womans fiancé “selling the house, it’s a convenient location for the wedding and I still need to work my last 2 weeks on the job.”  
“is Uncle Rodney going to come to the wedding?” her new daughter asked  
“He better.”  
“uncle Rodney?” Roxanne asks.  
“a family friend, Jades…well other god father I suppose. I will tell you more later love.”  
Roxanne suppresses a squeal and a shudder at the term of endearment. she shifts in her seat. Hip flask pressing into her reassuringly. ‘I can do this its just a four hour drive today’  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“I spy with my little eye something green” David states  
“is it the grass?” Jade inquires  
“no”  
“That tree?” Roxanne guesses  
“sorry mom”  
“Is it a road sign?” Stan wonders  
“no”  
“a car?” Jade asks  
“not even close”  
“alright what is it?” asked Stan  
“It was one specific road sign we passed 2 minutes ago”  
“but that’s cheating.” Jade interjects  
“I wasn’t aware there was a book or rules. My copy most have gotten lost in the mail. Who decides anyway, some international cabal? Or is Eye Spy under national jurisdiction?”  
Stan chuckles “you have made your point. We should declare the rules now.”  
“how about we do it over an early lunch?” suggests Roxanne  
“No need my dear.” Stan pops open the glove box reaches around and pulls out a granola bar.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Phil liked to think He knew the Egberts well. The daughter, who took after her mother, was energetic and polite. The family Dog was unearthly but ultimately still a dog. He honestly didn’t get why so many people where put off by it. He thought he understood Stan too Dependable, real neighborly, and most importantly he always seemed to think things through. That was until this morning.  
It was Sunday so he slept in. when his beautiful and very pregnant wife asked for breakfast however, he finally got up. Eggs, toast and a smoothie.  
When he finally got to bringing in the paper, he saw stans car pull in. Phil being the neighborly sort walked over the white picket fence to welcome his friend home.  
“well glad to have you” a woman got out of the driver side door. “…back?”  
“Phil you ol’ raskel” bellowed Stan as he got out of the car “hows Ann?”  
“shes great.” He said with out taking an eye off the lady. She had pulled out a flask and was taking a swig. “whos the..er… lady”  
Stan beams “why your looking at the future Mrs. Egbert.”  
Phils eyes dart to Stan “no”  
“can you really blame me?” asked the lady  
“cant say I can. How long have you too know each other, and where was he hiding you?”  
“Washington state and about a year.”  
“A YEAR! Stan your marrying a woman you have know for a year?”  
Stan, the Lady, Jade and a kid you don’t recognize are all looking at you.  
“It took me 6 months to get you to try a different style of shoe and then you agree to marry a woman you’ve only know for a year.”  
“why Stan I had no idea people in this neighborhood had such strong opinions on shoes.” The lady says.  
“Phil works where I buy my clothes.”  
“ah, so did he end up making the swap?” asked the lady  
“no, he said they and I quote ‘make me feel like a dandy” answered Phil.  
The lady laughs. It was rich and melodic.  
“goodness where are my manners? Roxanne meet Phil Colins. Phil meet Roxanne Lalonde.”  
“it’s a pleasure”  
“mutual.”  
“say Stan how about we have a cookout Ann and I could get to know your new…family members”  
“Id love too. Roxanne?”  
“if we can find the time.”  
As Phil walks back inside, he thinks to himself ‘and just when I though I had you figured out’  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Roxanne watched Phil head home, part of her had wanted to avoid meeting Stans friends, but with the wedding it was inevitable.  
She turned her attention to her lovely new daughter running around in the yard, only to suddenly fall forward and disappear in a flash of green light.  
As Roxanne reaches for her flask she suddenly finds herself scooped up. It was Stan carrying her bridle style, in his big strong arms.  
“would you like some lunch?”  
“I could eat.” She answers wile leaning into his chest.  
“how about you David.”  
Roxanne’s eyes dart around the yard looking for her son  
“im good” his voice came from above. David was perched in the tree eating an apple  
“are you sure?”  
David loudly takes a bite of his apple.


	22. ok so writers block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i have been really struggling on how to start the next chapter so i figured in true homestuck fashion i would take suggestions.

sorry for the disappointment if you had wanted an update

anyway what do you guys want to see , we are getting kind of close to the end of the prologue just like 2 or 3 more plot points 


	23. everyone wakes up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part of me justs wants to jump to the game but im going to see this through

David was flying. Contrary to popular opinions there where many kinds of personal flight. There was flying for the joy of it. one could fly simply to get somewhere; they could even be flying in anger. One type of flying uncommon to the world of dreams was contemplative flight.  
David despite is brain being muddled by sleep was full of thoughts. His place in the universe, what it meant to be family, and his own flaws all swirled around in his head forming a confusing blob.  
He could have spent all night like that if not for is eyes catching something strange. A speck of gold in his night sky. Flying closer to investigate, he saw a city. In that city he saw a tower. In that tower he say a Girl. What was Jade doing here? What was she looking at? She didn’t belong. David decided the only reasonable thing would be to throw something at her. Just as the stuffed animal he picked off the ground made contact.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
It was always peaceful looking at Skia, Jade could lose herself in events that had yet to come and had long since passed. They were the same thing when you really thought about it. Her newfound brother was in the clouds today.  
“oh my” she thought or maybe said “that’s going to difficult.”  
Jade so wished she had a better memory of her dreams. She was sure she would do the best with what she had though. Something hit the back of her head.  
It was so startling Jade screamed.  
She flailed about in her covers hand connecting with something solid.  
David screamed in turn. You would too if that was how you where woken up in the morning.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Stan was woken up by screaming from the next room. It was probably just the kids. He should probably check. He looked over at the woman lying next to him. His eyes traced up her body, her arm…which was draped over his alarm clock. It was 7:23 he had to get up now or he would be late.  
It was going to be an instant coffee day.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
“is everything alright in there.”  
“no, I died” states David dryly.  
“well then I’ll need to get a shovel.”  
Jade snickered.  
“everyone’s on there own for breakfast today. Jade please show David around the kitchen”  
“ok dad” Jade says with a smile. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Roxanne drifted into consciousness with the grace and elegance of a tank on roller-skates. Her head hurt, more then usual.  
“fuuggg mmeee uuuggg” she was in a strange bed. It had a quilt for one the bed frame was intricately carved wood, very different from Roxanne’s own minimalist tastes. The fearful moment where Roxanne’s mind struggled to fully enter wakefulness seemed to last an eternity. Then suddenly she remembered. Stan wonderful dependable Stan.  
Roxanne looked around the room. She saw yesterdays clothes kicked into a corner. She manages another groan as she rolled out of bed. As she dug through the pile of her and stans clothes her hand hits something metal, her flask. When shaken it makes a reassuring sloshing noise. After taking a morning gulp she lets out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. As she is about to take another, she notices something by the headboard. A cup of coffee. The coffee mug felt cold. The liquid inside was lukewarm at best. It tasted faintly of ginger and heavily of brown sugar.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
John was dragged out of a very long nap by his phone buzzing incessantly  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[CG]:JOHN  
[CG]: J  
[CG]:O  
[CG]:H  
[CG]: N  
[CG]: J  
[CG]:O  
[CG]:H  
[CG]: N  
[CG]: J  
[CG]:O  
[CG]:H  
[CG]: N  
[CG]: HOPE YOU WHERE HAVING PLEASANT DREAMS THAT I INTERRUPTED. YOU ABJECT FAILURE.  
[TG]: morning karkat. How are you?  
[CG]: YOUR INANE ATTEMPTS TO BE MY MOIRAL WILL NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED BECAUSE IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME NOR INTEREST ME.  
[TG]: sure, thing karkat  
[CG]: NOW WE SHALL BEGIN THE DAY LISTING YOUR EVERY PERSONAL FAILING. NUMBER ONE YOU LOOK LIKE A BUTT. NUMBER TWO IM SURE YOU SMELL LIKE ONE. NUMBER THREE YOUR BIOLOGY IS DISTERBING  
John sniffed himself  
[TG]: ok yeah I probably should take a shower. Want to do anything after?  
[CG]: NO, YOU PAN FRIED FUCK.  
[TG]: ok just remember i care about you. im here if you need me <><><><><><><><>  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Vriska woke up to the sound of Karkat screaming in anger. Why does he have to do that so often? Fuck him  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Vriska woke up again, but later. Her eyes open and she sees beauty pure and simple.  
“oh Nick you 8eautiful 8astard”  
after planting a quick kiss or 3 on one of many posters, she goes out for breakfast.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  
Nepeta is awoken by the sound of a door slamming close. She whiskered Vriska would stop doing that. Oh well back to talking to her favorite human. Maybe she should get Equius to join them in there RP sessions. That would be perrfect  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
After Johns shower he checked his phone again. He had a message from Vriska. Karkat was great but he just didn’t get Nicolas Cage like Vriska and he did.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling TheghostbustingGroupie [TG]  
[AG]: ok I finished “Next”.  
[TG]: what we where going to watch it together  
[AG]: tough shiiiiit.  
[TG]: what did you think of it  
[AG]: seeing into the future seems pretty interesting, 8ut ultimately useless. If your tough enough, smart enough you wouldn’t need it. plus, the female lead sucked  
[TG]: you say that about ever female lead. do you have a crush or something?  
[AG]: hahahahahahaha wh8t noooooooo. Anyway, the powers john.  
[TG]: yeah, I get what your saying about them not being flashy but there are situations where you just can’t beat foresight. Like the nuke at the end.  
[AG]: well yeah 8ut only if you 8reak your esta8lished lore to get a major power 8oost.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Knock knock knock  
“mmerg” Rose eloquently mumbles as she stretches “what is it brother dear”  
“sleep schedule”  
“please convey to the dear doctor…fuck you. that goes for you as well.”  
“Rose. I bought donuts.”  
The girl springs out of bed.


	24. an Eggsalent life

Jade was a terrible sister “oh gosh oh gosh im so sorry David.”   
David was lying on the floor glaring up at her. His nose was bleeding. “Hand me a tissue.”  
While jade sprung into action David began to ramble.  
“that’s the last time im sharing a bed. The cot would have been fine but no. I had to fall for the siren call of more padding. Call my Odysseus the second. The cooler version, and more dead if you want to follow the metaphor to its natural conclusion.”  
“I am so so sorry.”  
“your dangerous is what you are.” David’s voice sounded funny though his pinched shut nose. “I am going to go wash myself off”  
Knock knock  
“is everything alright in there.” Called Mr.E  
“no, I died” states David dryly.  
“well then I’ll need to get a shovel.”  
Jade snickered.  
“everyone’s on their own for breakfast today. Jade please show David around the kitchen”  
“ok dad” Jade says with a smile.  
The two of them could hear the shower beginning to run.   
“you have a sink in your kitchen, right? never mind dumb question.”  
“you should probably wait until your done bleeding.” Jade said helpfully  
“no shit”  
Jade was taken aback. “wow you really woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”  
David snorts despite himself “I wonder why.”  
“oh HA HA… I’ll make breakfast”  
David smiles “better not be garlic toast you freak of nature”  
“coward” Jade fires back.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The two children where mesmerized by the TV  
“jade”  
“yeah David?”  
“this is a weird ass show.”  
“I can’t disagree.”  
“why do they live in a whale Jade?”  
Just then Ms. Lalonde spoke as she walked down the stairs. “what on earth are you watching?”  
“something something flapjack”   
“I think it’s a new show”  
“well don’t spend all day in front of that” Roxanne said as she walked past. She was in a bathrobe, holding a cup of coffee.  
“did Stan make anything for breakfast?”  
“nope” said jade.  
“sorry mom” said David.  
“oh, then what’s this bag?”  
That question finally tore Jades eyes away from the TV. Roxanne was holding a brown paper bag with Stans name and the date written on it.   
“I think dad forgot his lunch.”  
Roxanne disappeared from view “where does he work?” Dishes could be heard clanking together  
“Sherman and Shermen accounting, it’s by the mall. Across the street from the sad park.”   
“sad park?” she enquired from the other room.   
“yeah it’s just a basketball court and some swings. One of the hopes is missing.”  
“does anyone want to come with me in a little while?”   
“sure.”  
“yes mom”  
Roxanne smiled and clapped her hands together once.  
Suddenly an explosion emanated from the TV and the children where lost to the world.   
The TV began to display the most complicated CGI either child had ever seen. A Dog transformed into a fighter jet, a sword shimmered into a beam of life. “SBURB the game of the century” fire works turned into monsters which turned into frogs “SPRING 2009”  
“well that was cool.”  
“I bet we could get mom to buy it for us.” Said Jade  
“Well I am sure I could. You probably would not know how to do it right. so, don’t even try” David   
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Rodney Smallwood lived a good life. Sure, he didn’t have a family, but no one ever really interested him that way. Besides he had the Egberts speaking of, is that Jade? Who was that Lady?  
Rodney pulled over his car behind them. “everything alright Jade?”  
Jade wiped around “UNCLE RODNEY!”  
It was then that the very strange and suspicious woman spoke “hello it’s a pleasure to meet you.”  
“hi and just who are you?”  
“I’m Roxanne Lalonde, Stans…Fr”  
“she’s gunna be my new mom.” Jade shouts with a big grin  
“I what? Jade what has this woman been telling you?”  
“its true she”  
“you know what it doesn’t matter. Get in the car.”  
“Listen Rodney this”  
“that’s Mr. Smallwood to you. I don’t know what you’ve been telling her but I don’t buy it. I’m taking her to her father.”  
“hey do not yell at my mom.” Shouted a boy Rodney hadn’t even noticed. The kid was wearing some shades. He looked young, still had baby fat.   
Roxanne smiled sharply “what an excellent idea. Stan forgot his lunch you see.”  
Rodney frowned at her “Jade your what 12 now? You’re a big girl sit up front.” He points at Roxanne forcefully “sit in the back. The both of you.”  
The rest of the Drive was quit.  
Sherman and Shermen was a small two story Brick building. There were 5 parking spots marked employee parking nearby.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“Morning Rodney. Who’s the lady?” asked Bill Sherman the youthful secretary.   
“that’s what I’m trying to find out.” Rodney said while hurrying the lady further into the building. That little girl, Jan was it? and some other kid trialed behind awkwardly.   
Bill decided he should follow. Rodney looked like he was on a war path.  
“Stan” bill heard Rodney shout ahead “I caught this lady trying to kidnap your kid”  
“what” shouted about 5 different people.  
Stan shot out of his office and immediately relaxed, then started laughing.  
Hurried footsteps could be heard upstairs.  
Rodney suddenly pulled his hand off the lady “Stan, no…Seriously. you mean she’s”  
Stan for his part couldn’t get a word out edge wise. He did how ever did manage a nod.”  
The lady Jan and the other Kid started to join in.  
Mr. Shermen whipped around the corner. “I heard kidnapping!” he could move quickly for an old guy  
“what exactly is going on” asked Bill.  
Stan for his part had finally regained some semblance of composure “everyone meet my lovely fiancé Roxanne.”  
“when did this happen?” Rodney exclaimed.  
“a week ago,” said the other kid.   
Rodney turned to Roxanne “well..er..sorry about that”  
“perfectly understandable.”  
Suddenly Mrs. Sherman could be heard. “Billy why aren’t you at your desk.”  
“kind of hard to explain ma.”  
Stan took a deep breath. ‘here we go thought Bill’   
“Roxanne and I are getting married; you are all invited once we hash out all those pesky details. Yes, I am aware this seems out of character, but I assure you I have thought this through. Also please consider this my two weeks’ notice. It has been a pleasure working with all of you.”  
Old Mr. Shermen began to laugh wheezily. “and here I thought I knew you.”  
Rodney chimed in “iv been waiting for something like this. 25 years I’ve known him and iv always said Stans finally going to do something unexpected one day and it will be spectacular.”


	25. a thorny Rose

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling TenticlesandTripwires [TT]  
[GA]: Hello This Is Rose Strider Correct  
[TT]: that depends, of course, on who and why you’re asking.  
[GA]: It Must Be You No One Else Could Sound So Pretentious When Asking Such A Simple Question  
[TT]: You speak as if I should be familiar with you.  
[GA]: No There Is Absolutely No Reason You Would Be Familiar With Me How Ever I Have Many reasons To Be Familiar With You  
[TT]: My how cagey you are. If you are as familiar with me as you claim then you know its only a matter of time before I uncover your secrets.  
[GA]: That May Be The Case Either Way You’re a Fashion Disaster Waiting To Happen  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling TenticlesandTripwires [TT]  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Roses bedroom door opened. She turns in time to see her brother charging at her. Quickly she kicks her chair into a roll, it soon catches on something and topples back. Rose falling into a backward youth roll.  
“the fuck bro.”  
His face is a wall. “sneak attack” then he flash steps out of the room.  
wooden daggers appear in her hand. Leaping into the hallway she suddenly stumbles. A spring-loaded puppet propels itself into her face. As she lies face up on the ground her eyes spot a thin cord along the ground. A trip wire. A vicious smile creeps itself onto her face.  
She begins to speculate as she prowls. What brought about tis change in her brother? Nostalgia? Some sort of test? To teach me what? Constant vigilance? No, the good doctor would crucify him. perhaps to teach me to adapt and think on my feet. There’s still the problem with the good doctor.  
Movement. Rose feels a woosh of air over her head. Her brother. Go for the knees.  
Her blade brushes the fabric of his jeans but ultimately does not make contact. He’s gone again.  
The room is dark. It is late. He’s not sleep walking he’s to agile. Rose steps over another trip wire.  
“relying on sneak attacks, smart brother a useful way to fight against a superior opponent”  
Brother predictably takes the bate. Rose ducks under his charge and clips his legs. Bro stumbles. Rose throws her leg out pushing him further.  
There’s a crash. The sound of something shattering.  
“shit”  
Rose flips on the lights. Bros lying below the smashed plasma screen TV.  
It was then that Bro does something unexpected. He laughs. Its clear and light.  
“you…you little shit.” He stands “I’m so proud of you”  
“Brother dear what’s all this about?”  
Suddenly Bro opens his arm “come here you little demon”  
“don’t you dare”  
Bro goes for a hug. Rose tries to abscond.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
GardenGnostic [GG] began pestering TenticlesandTripwires [TT]  
[GG]: RRROOOSSSEEE ROSE  
[GG]: my dad is getting married!!! :D to DAVIDS MOM  
[TT]: Congratulations. I had expected as much, although I admit the timing deviates significantly.  
[GG]: Dad says he thought it out Uncle Rodney thought I was being kidnapped when he say momland and I walking :,(‘,’,’,  
[TT]: That must have been quite alarming. I trust everyone is now well and whole. How is David taking things?  
[GG]: HE’S FINE! :D I accidentally punched him in the face though :,0  
[TT]: For shame Jade, I thought you where above your baser instincts.  
[GG]: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! I JERKED AWAKE!  
[TT]: That’s very Strider of you.  
[GG]: noooo don’t you joke! striders are animals >:(  
[TT]: Caw caw your eyes are forfeit.  
[GG]: > (  
[GG]: anyway, what’s new with you?  
[TT]: It appears I have graduated from the academy of strider hard knocks.  
[GG]: :O !!!!????  
[TT]: Yes, I know. You may bask. I bested him in combat, my dear brother even arranged traps ahead of time. Yet I was victorious.  
[TT]: Brother even gifted me a duo of double edged Tantos.  
Swords.jpeg  
[GG]: THEY LOOK SO COOL!!!  
[TT]: they are exquisitely crafted.  
[GG]: SO COOL!!  
[GG]: Rose have you heard of SBURB???


	26. summer living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iv been trying to make larger chapters and spent a lot of time making plot outlines. also at the current pace 5 or 6 chapter left till game time.  
> third thing. iv decided that there just isnt enough stuff for me to write justifying another year of in universe content so im going to say there was a nebulous time jump somewhere.

The boy surveyed his room. It was a mess. What else was new, dvd cases littered the floors, 2 or 3 of his postures had corners loose and it was dusty.  
John stretched. It was a good long stretch. Something bopped in his back. It felt good.  
Opening his curtains and window he surveyed his world. Sun was shining, cool breeze coming in from the ocean. Today was one of those rare days where the clouds part and he felt like being up and moving.  
John shrugged out of the shirt had been wearing for 3 days.  
John began stacking disks. There was the 90s tv stack, the classics stack, the sci-fi stacks Nicolas cage and romcom piles. 2 of is friends where weirdly insistent about those movies being in a pile.  
Kar always used to say he should lay in the pile. But he didn’t want to break his movies.  
Whos hungry? John was hungry.  
John began taking the stairs down to the kitchen. You cant skip leg day after all. the boy narely spared a glance at the content of each room. Empty empty, weird taxidermy, bunch of windows, a house plant on a pedestal, bathroom, weird tribal bullshit, weird European bullshit, weird I don’t even know bullshit, Empty, 2 arm chairs a book shelf and 5 globes, bunch of paintings.  
It was then that John hit the greenhouse level. This was the first level to brank out along the 4 cardinal directions. The boy stops his comfortable jog. Maybe a Fuyu Persimmon or a Lychee.  
“hey buzz hey blink” the boy says to the two gardener robots. John continues to talk as he gathers his fruit.  
“it’s a great morning.”  
…  
“going to go for a walk later I think.”  
…  
…  
…  
“good talk boys. Don’t work too hard.”  
Next floor down was the kitchen, dinning room, wine cellar, and pantry. John began to peruse the shelves. Canned veggies, canned soup, canned fruit, dry pasta, vinegar, dried peas, dried corn, actual fucking hard tack, spam and jerky; john had been looking for that last one. Lastly oats, and honey.  
The kitchen is a moderately sized industrial unit. It had a walk-in freezer, empty, more spices then you could shake a stick at and about a dozen burners. As john began to cook his oatmeal he began thinking about his place in the universe and you know what the water doesn’t have to be hot to make oatmeal. There’s a microwave somewhere.  
The dinning room had a balcony. Wind played with his hair as he sat on the ground eating. Scents of salt and the call of gulls carried to the boy by that sweat wind.  
Johns pulls out his phone. His lock screen was a picture of Karkat. Looking at the camera as if its happiness was the only thing that mattered to him. Karkat sent him that picture ages ago.  
The boy sighs and finishes his meal. He had cleaning to do.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The puppets moved with Deidrick’s expert care. Rose quickly switching between different accents, tones and in one case a modified voice changer, with passion and fluidity. This would undoubtably be the greatest birthday present ever seen in jades 13 years.  
The sibling duo worked with great hast and vigor, for the two may be skilled at many things, however time management was not in their formidable repertoire. The striders would be inevitably victorious in their current endeavor, as their motivation was noble and just; they acted with love, love for a friend and love for a sister.  
The child Rose knew her dear friend Jade would love the soon to be cinematic masterpiece, Jade having demonstrated impressive deductive reasoning on multiple occasions would naturally love a detective film and what’s more the piece would include her other great loves, canines and marksmanship.  
Like many great plans there will be inevitably be a few cumbersome wrinkles, for one Roses dearest brother was insistent in the inclusion of clowns when ever possible; ever the juvenile he insists it will be funny. The other problem, incidentally also her brothers cause, is that for some unearthly reason he was packing up early today.  
“brother dear” said Rose “the project is not done, and the days still young.”  
“it’s the fourth of June.” He said in response, before turning to is room.  
“ah yes, of course” Rose said quietly.  
Her brother quickly changed into an outfit clearly intended for mockery; short shorts, a crop top, knee high cowboy boots and a pride flag cape.  
“well… have fun watching the freaks”  
Deidrick would proudly announce his intent to do just that at the local pride every year. He would then promptly disappear for the remainder of the day and some of tomorrow as well.  
Her brother smiled and responded, “oh you know I will.”  
He paused at the door “you ok by yourself?”  
“what kind of question is that Brother, your sentimentality is getting the best of you no doubt. Iv been doing this since I was 7. Now shoo” rose gestures “have your fun.”  
“if something comes up the neighbors will be home.”  
“really brother involving others in our affairs, so unlike you. now get out of here anymore looking at that outfit and I’ll start to think you’re a freak yourself.”  
Her brother smiles broadly and closes the door.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Stan was in his office. He chews a pencil; he hadn’t done that since middle school. Why did he think having a wedding so quickly was a good idea? Why did he think arranging an extension to Roxanne’s house when no one was there to supervise was a good idea?  
The man got up from what he considered a large mess of papers. Three papers where loose on his desk, he was using 2 calendars and a stack of papers lay 7 degrees off from the far-left corner of his desk.  
Perhaps some baking would do him some good. He couldn’t bake cake; they still had a bit of left-over birthday cake. Perhaps some pasties? Yes, that would be excellent for an early dinner as well.  
As Stan rounded the corner into the kitchen one thought echoed through his head.  
“what on earth”  
The kitchen was filled with green foam up to his belt. Poor David was up to his neck, and Jade was up to her chest.  
“IT WAS JADES FAULT!”  
“WHAT NO IT WASN’T.”  
The two children turned to face each other.  
“YES, IT WAS THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD JUST BUTTED OUT AND LEFT ME ALONE!”  
“I FOLLOWED YOUR INSTRUCTIONS!”  
Roxanne could be heard laughing hysterically from the door to the basement.  
“DID NOT!”  
“DID”  
“kids kids, it doesn’t matter who’s fault it is. It seems to be an honest mistake so let’s just all clean up.”  
“im goin to put this laundry in the livin room first.” States Roxanne while hefting a basket above the foam.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Johns stomach hurt. He didn’t know what time it was, and he didn’t really care. He just wanted to go back to sleep. But his stomach rumbled on. He missed karkat.  
His phone was buzzing. Oh so its 12:37  
gallowsCalibrator began trolling TheghostbustingGroupy

[GC]: JOHN WH4TS GO1NG ON N3RDT3RD  
[TG]: oh, cool its death dude.  
[GC]: NOT TH4T 1T M4TT3RS BUT 1M 4 G1RL 4ND 1 WOULDNT R34LLY C4LL MYS3LF D34THG1RL 31TH3R  
[TG]: well last time I talked I was going to die. remember.  
[GC]: TH4T W4S 1NC1D3NT4L JOHN  
[TG]: ok  
His phone became silent  
[GC]: 1 M34N 1TS NOT L1K3 GO1NG WH4T TWO D4YS NOW W1TH OUT FOOD 1S GO1NG TO K1LL YOU  
[TG]: wait are you coming onto me?  
[GC]: JOHN DONT B3 R1D1CULOUS >>:] 1M JUST H3R3 TO M4K3 YOU M1S3R4BL3 4ND 1 C4NT DO TH4T 1F YOUR 4LR34DY M1S3R4BL3 C4N 1  
[TG]: and you want to make me miserable because.  
[GC]: DONT 4SK STUP1D QU3ST1ONS JOHN L1K3 K4RK4T D1DNT 4LR34DY T3LL YOU  
[TG]: he was vague.  
[GC]: M4YB3 1LL T3LL YOU L4T3R >;] R1GHT NOW YOU N33D TO G3T UN-M1S3R4BL3 SO 1 C4N M4K3 YOU M1S3R4BL3  
[TG]: you know what fuck off.  
[GC]: M4K3 M3 >:]  
John lobbed his phone across the room. His stomach growled again.  
“god damn it”  
John got up. Why did the teleporter thingy have to be on a different floor? The sun shown harshly through the windows on the floor. John couldn’t be fucked to pull the curtains closed. He just wanted Spaghetti-Os.  
When he stepped onto the platform he extended his hands and did a quick 180, flipping any extradimensional observers the bird in the process.  
Damn karkat might have seen that.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
Terezi stared at the screen, nostrils flaring. Why must he make things difficult?  
[TG]: all right fine, I ate something.  
[GC]: TH4TS GOOD JOHN  
[TG]: all right make me miserable.  
[GC]: 1M NOT 4N 1D1OT JOHN YOUR ST1LL TO F4R FROM F1N3 TO B3 MUCH OF 4 CH4LL3NG3 4T 4LL  
[TG]: so, what you’re just going to try to be my moiral? Hate to break it to you but I’ve filled that quad.  
[GC]: R1GHT B3C4US3 YOUR CL34RLY F1N3. S1TT1NG 1N B3D 4LL D4Y, L1K3 4 TOT4L CULLB41T  
[TG]: fuck you i’m fine.  
[GC]: TH3 PROV3 1T >>:]  
[TG]: fuck you i will.  
Terezi licked the screen with satisfaction as john got out of bed for the second time today.  
H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose: my brother is clearly ironically participating in pride and is actually homophobic  
> Bro: im an ironic genius pretending to be homophobic when im so obviously gay  
> also one final edit. changed a line in the Rose segment to confirm Jades age at 13


	27. summer loving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was origionally supposed to be longer, but its been a while since i updated. besides sometimes i like a good cliff hanger.

Jade was digging, tearing into the soil really. Dandelions. Dandelions in her soil. They must have blown in from the open window.   
Dandelions weren’t a bad plant, they where pretty, but they didn’t belong with her Bee Balms, nor her Black eyed Susan’s, and they certainly didn’t belong in with her herbs.   
“hey” said a voice from the green house door.  
It was David holding a dandelion. He blows on it.  
“wha, why would you” she could feel her face heating up   
“weddings starting soon. We have to get ready.”   
Jade takes a deep breath Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one  
“alright I should take a shower.”  
David smirks “yeah because you stink.”  
David was many things, an asshole for one, and for another Nimble. The thrown dirt never came close to hitting him.   
“jade clean that up” ordered Uncle Rodney from the kitchen  
“wow you better clean that up, right in the kitchen, Dads going to be so mad.”  
“what is your problem?!”  
David shrugs and smirks.  
“it has been fun chatting, but I need to get ready.”  
“yeah you do that.”  
As jade swept, she tried to center herself. She had to get her head in the game, being a flower girl was serious business.  
That being done she had to shower, change and find Mrs. Sherman to get help with her hair. As she walked upstairs, she heard the shower start.   
Bang bang “David get out my hair takes longer to dry.” She bellowed, just so David could hear she swears.   
“sorry first come first serve.” He shouts back  
“you’re the worst little brother I’ve ever head.”  
“I am still the best by default.”  
“GGGAAAAAH”  
“Is everything all right?”   
Jade turns its her new mom. She stands there holding a one of those dry cleaning protector sleeve things, a look of concern plastered on her face.   
“oh hi mom” Jade yells loudly enough for David to hear “Davids being a butt.”  
She walks forward and knocks on the door. “David, sweety, don’t hog the shower alright?”  
“… ok mom im almost done.”  
“alright, I love you.”  
“I love you too”  
Mom and Mrs. Sherman then walk past and disappear into Dads bedroom   
Soon, David gets out.   
Jade showers quickly. Soon after she shimmies into a pink sun dress. Ten minutes of struggling later she gives up on trying to fix her hair on her own.   
With out thinking she shoves a brush and some ribbons into her sylidex. Jade really didn’t know how she got along in life with just the two cards and a strife deck.   
Walking through the house, she heads to the back door. Passing David, she slows her pace once in front of the TV. That will teach him.   
“your hairs a mess.”  
“your flies down”  
“what” he looks  
“made you look”  
God what the heck is his problem, jade thought. Walking into the kitchen she sees Uncle Rodney working.  
“Uncle Rodney could you help me with my hair?”  
Rodney looks up “sorry kiddo bout to start the grill” as if on cue with Rodney’s gesture the grill woomfs to life. Stan stands outside, wearing a button up plaid shirt and slacks.   
“hey” Uncle Rodney yells “away from there!”  
“but I was just”  
“no no no” he shouts through the window “it’s your wedding you’re not grilling.”  
The two in the kitchen watch as stan sulks away.  
“looks like your dad could use something to do.”  
With that the girl is off  
“HEY DAD” jade yells “help me with my hair!”  
Five minutes of struggling later stan says “maybe we should just cut it.”  
“never”  
“oh, what’s this I have scissors.”  
“ga no dad”  
Jade tries to run but stan hold on and they tumble to the ground.  
“my mistake” stan says “this is a spoon”   
“good grief man” a wispy voice call out “is this a wedding or a picnic?”  
Stan Stands up “Mr. Shermen sir.”  
“don’t you sir me. now what are you wearing.”  
Stan looks down at his now grass stained pants “slacks”  
“I’m not early am I”   
“no, we’re just going for more of a casual thing. Roxanne loved the idea.”  
Mr. Shermen looks incredulous then glances down at his own outfit. “I’m not overdressed?”   
“oh no there will be a few suits and dresses.”  
As the adults talk on jade glances at her hair in the reflection in the window. It was tidy barring a bit of grass.   
Looking around she saw Phil and Mary Colins casually dressed and sitting at a table. Together with a formally dressed Bill the three of them where cooing over the couple’s new baby boy.   
Boy this is a great time to slip off and do some archery Jade thought to herself. Walking into the neighbor’s yard jade pulled a thick sheet of plywood out of her sylidex and propped it against the far fence. Soon a foam target was joined.   
Pulling out her new bow (thanks mom) she notched an arrow, stopped, and centered her stance.  
she slowly exhales, taking another breath she draws back. Exhaling as she aims the arrow flies. Bullseye  
notch an arrow, center, exhale, draw, release. bullseye  
notch an arrow, her phone chimes, center, exhale, draw, chime release. Halfway to center  
notch an arrow, chime, center, exhale, chime, draw, release. Closer to center  
notch chime, center chime, chime,  
“uuuugggggghhh” the girl pulls out her phone.  
centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]  
trolling? I didn’t know that was feature jade thinks.  
[CT]: D --> You are a loathsome creature   
[CT]: D --> How dare you soil such an e%elent imp100ment  
[CT]: D --> You lack the STRONGNESS of b100d and character to make proper use of it  
[CT]: D --> Your very e%istence makes your 100ser universe all the worse   
[CT]: D --> Id hate you if you were worth the time to hate  
[CT]: D --> your very e%istance is e%tremely wh001istically insulting  
[CT]: D --> Don’t ignore me  
[GG]: David?  
[CT]: D --> No  
[GG]: right  
[GG]: you know what no. you have been nothing but a terrible friend and brother this entire summer  
[GG]: IM SICK OF IT!!!  
[GG]: why wount you leave me alone!!!  
[GG]: SO TAKE THIS STUPID FAKE ACCOUNT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!!!!!!  
Jade blocked David’s stupid fake account, just in time for David himself to open the fence gate.  
“hey” the absolute bully states  
Jade is furious. “WHAT” she begins whisper shouting “I told you to leave me alone.”  
David looks taken aback for a moment before saying with e%treme smugness “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  
“what the hell is your problem with me? you’ve been nothing but an ass to me since you got here.”  
David’s grin drops from his face “what the hell is my problem? What the hell is your problem? What kind of friend tries to steal a mom?”  
“what?”  
“you. stole. My. Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone now that i have a better grasp of the story i want to tell im going to be changing the story name to something more reflective of that. im going to give you a few updates to be ready. the title is going to be (drum roll please) " a House is not a Homestuck"


End file.
